i roll in onto the unit and hear the doors slam behind me and lock into place. i am in nothing but a tank top and shorts. i am comfortable for the most part except for the natural coldness i get from having an eating disorder.
6 months later. i walk out those same locked doors in jeans, boots and a winter jacket. did i really just waste half of my year in a locked psychiatric unit....yes, yes i did.
you see when you fall into those steps of an eating disorder, theres no manual or warning sign telling you everything and anything that can go wrong. actually to be quite honest back at the naieve age of 10-12 i didnt even know what an eating disorder was never mind that i was developing one.
so yes for you people who cant decifer what i am staying i was locked on the psyc side this time for 6 months, for my anorexia but some other serious thing started rearing its ugly head into the scenario...as if an eating disorder isn't enough to deal with right?
the big taboo word no one likes to say....SUICIDE. yes my friends i became extremely sucidial, attempted a few times in a ways that are unnecessary to disclose....why may you ask? one major word....hopelessness.
the feeling that things, life in particular will never get better you'll always have the life of a patient or worse you'lll always be tormented by those damn eating disorder thoughts.
there where a few times i was put on a 1:1 where someone litteraly followed me around because i refused to remain safe. there where nights of me just crying and alot of the time hiding during those spells. i didnt want the world to see me.
you may think since i am discharged i am doing great. well maybe you should think again. i struggle with my thoughts constantly, my life ending is always in the back of my mind, sometimes more prominent then others. how do you move on? the eating disorder doesnt feel better i am on a slippery slope. but what if i did do it....i would be such a hypocrit, telling people to hold on and throwing advice left and right. i guess when your in your own shoes it feels a whole lot different.
i just have to TRY and hold on and ignore the demons in my head....
