These past few weeks since November has begun, my anxiety
has greatly heightened. I keep asking myself why? What is so different? Then I remember…
Thanksgiving is not far away. To many people, Thanksgiving brings pleasant memories,
warmth, laughter, sharing, seeing family that you haven’t seen all year, and of
course stuffing their faces to their stomachs content. But when you struggle
with Anorexia Nervosa, Thanksgiving is probably the most dreaded day of the
year.
When I think of thanksgiving, I don’t think of positive
things. I don’t have any positive emotions, or any excitement. I feel dread,
anxiety, distress, depression, shame, guilt, fear, and many other emotions
along that spectrum.
I am not thinking about family time, and the people I’ve
missed. Nor am I thinking of joy and warmth. I am not even thinking about the
things I am grateful for. One thing is on my mind and one thing only; I AM
GOING TO GET FAT.
This fear is so extravagant that it keeps me from enjoying
anything about this joyous holiday. I am physically in the room, but mentally I
am far gone. I’ve entered the world of numbers. My brain becomes a human
calculator. Stuffing? 105. Mashed potatoes? 237. Pumpkin pie? 316. The other
number pops in my head…my weight and how much this would increase if I touched
any of that food to my lips. My anxiety has gone from 1 to 100 just by walking into
that room, never mind when it comes time to determine what I will place on my
plate.
We all sit down to the table, people are talking, laughing,
sharing stories. Me? I’ve become a shell of a human being. I am physically
there, but mentally I am in a living Hell called Anorexia. The Anorexia is
yelling at me the entire time. It’s like putting your headphones on and
listening to a record on repeat. Except this record isn’t so nice. This record
is screaming “YOU DON’T DESERVE TO EAT, YOU ARE FAT, YOU ARE A FAILURE, YOU ARE
DISGUSTING, YOU ARE UNLOVABLE, EVERYONE IS STARING AT HOW MUCH FATTER YOU ARE
THAN LAST YEAR, EVERYONE WILL JUDGE YOU NEGATIVELY IF YOU EAT, YOU ARE UGLY,
YOU ARE STUPID, YOU DESERVE TO DIE.” That is just a glimpse of some of the
obscene things it tells me.
Or maybe that thanksgiving day, I allow the fear to take the
better of me. I pretend that I am sick and stay home, all alone. I think this
will decrease my anxiety, and maybe in the immediate it does, but instead its
best friend grows stronger…depression. Depression likes to tell me how
worthless I am, and how none of those people wanted to see me anyways.
There really is no winning when it comes to this holiday.
The best we can do is just get through it. Breathe, and remember it is one day
of the year out of 365 more. I will survive, this eating disorder will not
define me, nor beat me.
To the friends and families of someone who is struggling
with anorexia, be patient please. You don’t understand the amount of courage
and strength it takes to sit at that large table.
