i am going to die.
that is the reality.
And although I do not have cancer or another terminal MEDICAL condition. I don't know if I have years to live, or months to lives, or even days to live. The estimate is, I am going to die, prematurely.
And this they seem to know for sure.
But the truth is that I have died a long time ago.
How is that possible?
How can I be both? already be gone but still be alive?
Well, if you're in a similar situation or have been in a similar situation, then you've probably already figured out my diagnosis.
And if you're confused right now, then say a little "thank you" prayer because these days you are a minority.
i am going to die
many will say I should. That I brought this upon myself and that I am worthless, useless, unimportant.
Many will say I'm not worth saving.
many will say that they don't want to "waste" their tax dollars helping me, because i "brought it upon myself."
You're wrong. I didn't wake up one day and decide to become anorexic. it is a disease just like any other.
when you write these things on social media or shout them for the world to hear, your purpose is to shame the person, but your opinion only brings on sadness to the people who love and who are already bearing the burden of their actions.
I've been on death's door too many times to count. People say hospitals only enables the eating disordered because it is "attention seeking." when in reality we hate ourselves so much we are willing to starve ourselves. And we try to get away with staying out of the hospital as much as possible. we don't feel sick enough or like we deserve help.
people feel like they can act the part of God and determines who is deserving of help and treatment. they say "she's a waste of money." "just let her die." and i hear your anger, i really do because i get angry at myself, that i can't just "get better" or "just eat." My parents are angry too and so are my friends.
Whatever emotion you have had about someone with an eating disorder, i guarantee their family felt that emotion 1000x stronger.
I cant tell you how many times people have been angry at me for my actions, my reluctance to be in recovery or to get help.
it is beyond angry, the emotion that they feel. it doesn't just stop at anger.
it flows into sadness because when they look at me they see who i once was.
they see the sweet little girl who was so full of joy and life.
they see the girl who excelled in dance, school, music and just about anything she tried.
They saw the girl who did and still does anything to brighten someones day.
they see the girl they lost and are fighting to get back.
They see the shell of a person who they used to love, who they still cant help but love.
the emotion does not stop at sadness. it flows onto full-fledged anxiety.
Every time they know i end up in the hospital, or lost another pound, their heart skips a beat. They sit on this ledge of anxiety as they wonder what will happen next and when will it happen.
will she continue to live this way?
will she get help?
will she stay in recovery?
will rehab work this time?
will she give up?
while i suffer with things they cannot understand, my family and friends with things that we or i cannot control.
it is a special kind of hell. and i beg you, be careful with your words.
would you tell someone with cancer that there child deserves to die?
I wont ask you to show sympathy, just compassion for a sad, sad situation that i struggle to sympathize with myself.
i don't know the solution is to this epidemic, but i know that it is one.
I know too many people who have gone down this path and do not come back. And i am to naive to understand the reality of my demise, shall continue on.
nonetheless that does not make it any easier.
I am not myself. i am not the person i could be.
i don't see my own worth like others do.
and even with my troubles, i am a person deserving of saving; deserving of help; deserving of forgiveness.
your opinion does not matter. it does not solve the problem. it does not contribute in a positive way, because at the end of the day,
i am gone.
i am here and i am gone.
