i am here and i am gone

i am going to die.

that is the reality.

And although I do not have cancer or another terminal MEDICAL condition. I don't know if I have years to live, or months to lives, or even days to live. The estimate is, I am going to die, prematurely.

And this they seem to know for sure.

But the truth is that I have died a long time ago.

How is that possible?

How can I be both? already be gone but still be alive?

Well, if you're in a similar situation or have been in a similar situation, then you've probably already figured out my diagnosis.

And if you're confused right now, then say a little "thank you" prayer because these days you are a minority.

i am going to die

many will say I should. That I brought this upon myself and that I am worthless, useless, unimportant.

Many will say I'm not worth saving.

many will say that they don't want to "waste" their tax dollars helping me, because i "brought it upon myself."

You're wrong.  I didn't wake up one day and decide to become anorexic. it is a disease just like any other.

when you write these things on social media or shout them for the world to hear, your purpose is to shame the person, but your opinion only brings on sadness to the people who love and who are already bearing the burden of their actions.

I've been on death's door too many times to count. People say hospitals only enables the eating disordered because it is "attention seeking." when in reality we hate ourselves so much we are willing to starve ourselves. And we try to get away with staying out of the hospital as much as possible. we don't feel sick enough or like we deserve help.

people feel like they can act the part of God and determines who is deserving of help and treatment. they say "she's a waste of money." "just let her die." and i hear your anger, i really do because i get angry at myself, that i can't just "get better" or "just eat." My parents are angry too and so are my friends.

Whatever emotion you have had about someone with an eating disorder, i guarantee their family felt that emotion 1000x stronger.

I cant tell you how many times people have been angry at me for my actions, my reluctance to be in recovery or to get help.

it is beyond angry, the emotion that they feel. it doesn't just stop at anger.
it flows into sadness because when they look at me they see who i once was.

they see the sweet little girl who was so full of joy and life.

they see the girl who excelled in dance, school, music and just about anything she tried.

They saw the girl who did and still does anything to brighten someones day.

they see the girl they lost and are fighting to get back.

They see the shell of a person who they used to love, who they still cant help but love.

the emotion does not stop at sadness. it flows onto full-fledged anxiety.

Every time they know i end up in the hospital, or lost another pound, their heart skips a beat. They sit on this ledge of anxiety as they wonder what will happen next and when will it happen.

will she continue to live this way?
will she  get help?
will she stay in recovery?
will rehab work this time?
will she give up?


while i suffer with things they cannot understand, my family and friends with things that we or i cannot control.

it is a special kind of hell. and i beg you, be careful with your words.

would you tell someone with cancer that there child deserves to die?

I wont ask you to show sympathy, just compassion for a sad, sad situation that i struggle to sympathize with myself.

i don't know the solution is to this epidemic, but i know that it is one.

I know too many people who have gone down this path and do not come back. And i am to naive to understand the reality of my demise, shall continue on.

nonetheless that does not make it any easier.

I am not myself. i am not the person i could be.

i don't  see my own worth like others do.

and even with my troubles, i am a person deserving of saving; deserving of help; deserving of forgiveness.

your opinion does not matter. it does not solve the problem. it does not contribute in a positive way, because at the end of the day,

i am gone.

i am here and i am gone.

To Aaron Carter who claims a hiatel hernia is the same as Anorexia Nervosa

The past few days, I have noticed that my news feed on Facebook seems to be flooded on articles about Aaron carter claiming to have an eating disorder. Naturally, coming from someone who suffers from anorexia, I decided to read a few of the articles. All of them appeared to state the same thing. He stated that his "gaunt" appearance was coming from his struggles with Anorexia. As I read farther into the article, it stated that "he has had a hiatel hernia since the age of 19." A hiatel hernia is a MEDICAL condition in which part of the stomach pushes up through the diaphragm muscle. He also stated that he is lactose intolerant. Now I am not discrediting the pain he must be experiencing, but I do not like the fact of how he is claiming that this is the same thing as an eating disorder.

When someone suffers from an eating disorder, it does not typically mean that they CAN'T eat, but that a voice inside of them is telling them not to eat. It is a MENTAL ILLNESS with devastating medical complications and manifestations. Sure, one with anorexia does not eat because of pain, but it's the mental pain that is more tormenting than the physical pain. It is like having a bully follow you around 24/7 telling you that you can't eat because you're fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, undeserving, and more harsh words. Except that bully is a voice in your head that you cannot escape or out run. It haunts you in your dreams and everywhere you go. One with an eating disorder typically does not see how sick they are when they look in the mirror. They can be 50 pounds underweight, but when they look in the mirror they still see an obese person. Aaron carter claims he hates how thin he looks. I have gotten to drastically low weights but I have never felt thin enough, never mind too thin.

I just don't want the world to think that a medical condition that makes it hard to eat is the same as being diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, or EDNOS. Sure, a medical condition could potentially trigger an eating disorder. But one does not have an eating disorder if their thoughts and perceptions about themselves are not severally disturbed. I feel like these articles completely discredit and simplify eating disorders when in reality they are extremely complex and deadly diseases.

don't tell me what I should and shouldn't eat, especially if you are uneducated

You’d think because of my 13 year diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, people would not tell me what I “should” and “shouldn’t” eat. Well to my dismay they do. The latest craze is this whole “organic” thing. People think I will miraculously be cured if I were to eat “clean” or organic. If that were the case, there would be no need for treatment centers and clinics.

If anyone knows me, they know I am a coffee-a-holic. I cannot function without my morning, afternoon, and well, to be honest, all hours of the day coffee. Whenever someone asks me how I take my coffee, or watches me make my coffee, I always seem to get scolded by how I take it. Yes, I am a fan of Splenda, sweet and low, and all artificial sweeteners.  I am automatically told I am “going to get cancer” or the negative side effects of artificial sweeteners. They tell me I “shouldn’t” use Splenda and to just use sugar. Number one, never tell an anorexic they shouldn’t eat something. We already have enough rules in our head when it comes to food, we don’t need your thoughts in addition to that. We don’t need to add more rules to our rigid diets. Not to mention, we already feel judged when we go to eat or drink anything. This just confirms our fair.

The other thing, if you’re going to give any education or advice on what is healthy for your body or not, you need to make sure you are getting it from credible sources. This does NOT include Facebook article, or most internet articles.  My dietitian told me it takes AT LEAST 5 bath tub loads of artificial sweetener to even slightly increase your chances of getting cancer.

Now people are telling me to “try eating organic” not only is the list of foods I will eat less than a sticky note, people are misled to what organic food is. I am currently taking nutrition in my college courses, and organic is not what people thing. In my reliable text book, I have discovered that organic foods is not what people think it is. One may think that only natural substances would be considered organic, but synthetic fertilizers, pesticides, and food additives are allowed on the national list. Most people believe that there are no pesticides, herbicides, medications, or chemicals of any kind used in organic foods which is not valid.

So not only does is aggravate me when someone tells me what I should and shouldn’t eat, but also when the person is presenting inaccurate information. Number one rule in someone who has an eating disorder-DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD AND SHOULDN’T EAT. Especially when you are uneducated.

To the americans about the election

Just like many Americans, I am saddened, scared, and terrified over the announcement over the election results. What feeling that I am experiencing the most? Shock. Shock that so many people in a country I live in would want a bully as president. Yes, a bully. And go ahead, you can call me a bully for calling him names, at this point, I do not care. If there is one thing I have learned over the years of therapy I have received for the treatment of my anorexia nervosa and PTSD, it is not to care what people think or say about me.

What is scarier than having a bully, racist, sexist, homophobic, prejudice, hateful man win, is knowing that I am part of a country of people that allowed this to happen.  I grew up being taught that the country I live in is free. Which includes free of hate, free of racism, free of bullying, and a place that I should feel safe in. But I don’t.

First of all, bullying is never ok.  It really hits close to home when he is bullying people for the same things that I struggle with. One being disability. I will never unsee the time he mimicked the disabled man’s arms and called him dumb. He acted as though we was a worthier person because he does not have a disability. What does this mean for those who do have disabilities? Are we going to lose our funding? Are we all going to become homeless simply because we are not as fortunate as those who can work fulltime jobs? I too have a disability, a few. I call them invisible disabilities because when you look at me, or talk to me, you might not assume that I am disabled.  My anorexia, depression, gastroparesis, and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome makes It almost impossible to work a full time job. Without my disability assistance I would be homeless, or more likely dead. What is even more hurtful is how many people complain sbout needing to pay taxes. I would be happy to be fortunate enough to pay taxes to help someone in need like myself. I have even encountered people who know I am on disability and complain about the assistance people receive. So many take for granted being healthy enough to work.

Some people know, others do not know that I am a sexual abuse and rape survivor. With all the comments he has made towards woman, seeing us as objects and items, it has infuriated me to the maximum. Not only that, I feel unsafe to have him as president for us women.  He rates woman on a “1-10” scale saying “woman who do not have breasts are impossible to be a 10.” We are more than looks, we are more than a sexual object, and hell most of us are more intelligent than a lot of men are. How is it safe to have a president who talks this way about woman? How is it morally ok!?

His racism is unbelievable. Sure, he may not be attacking blacks, but attacking Muslims and Latinos Is the EXACT same thing. Saying all Muslims are terrorists is like saying all black people are drug dealers and criminals.

How do we explain this man to our children? How do we justify all the wrongful things he has said and done? A child is supposed to look up to a president. I remember being in elementary school and how many of my classmates wanted to be president when they got older. Trump is not a good role model for our children to look up to as president. How do we teach our daughters how valuable they truly are when their president says the opposite? How do we teach our sons to treat woman with respect when their president does not? How do we tell our kids that bullying is wrong when our president is a bully?

I can’t believe the beautiful country I live in contains so many people who are willing to stand by and possibly watch it disintegrate like snow on a hot surface. It is only a matter of time before hell breaks loose.  There have already been horrible things happening such as the following; American Muslim women who wear the hijab agonized over whether it’s still safe to wear it, demonstrators have set fires and overturned cars in major cities across America, global financial markets have gone haywire, former KKK leader David Duke declared tonight ‘one of the most exciting nights of my life,’ shares in renewable energy companies tanked, while shares in arms companies surged to a record high, Russia’s political establishment celebrated, Canada’s immigration website crashed under the demand of American visitors, Jihadi leaders welcomed the new US president, and Mexico’s foreign minister made it clear they wouldn’t pay for a wall. And this is all in only 24 hours.

I don’t care how outraged people get by my blog post. I write to share my thoughts and feelings and truths. I don’t write to please others.

to steve harvey who made fun of eating disorders on family feud

To Steve Harvey who made fun of eating disorders

 

You don’t know me, or my story. I am probably one of the millions that watches family feud every now and then, perhaps some more than other. I have been in a skilled nursing facility for the past 11 months, so I have caught more of family feud than I tend to while living my “normal” life.

 

A few nights ago, I was trying to unwind from the long day. Most of which consists of physical therapy to try and be able to learn and walk again. Why have I lost my ability to walk at 23? Two words. Anorexia Nervosa. Along with severe ankle injuries, but I would be out of here 10 months ago if my anorexia were taken out of the equation. So when someone makes jokes about dieting, or eating disorders, I do not find them funny. I find them offensive.

One episode the question was “name something a model doesn’t do” And of course the top answer was “eat.” I won’t get into the whole argument of how not every model is anorexic, that is another topic in itself. I am disheartened by the way you responded. You took it that extra mile it did not need to go. You mimicked a woman about to pass out, you talked about their ugly pale face, and said “give the woman a damn sandwich.”

An eating disorder is not a joke. An eating disorder is a SEVERE mental illness that has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. 20% of people who suffer with anorexia will die prematurely. It is the highest cause of death for woman 12-25. In the past year I have personally known 14 people who have died. Let me tell you, each person lost does not get easier. It makes you feel more hopeless, angry, and hurt.

What is funny about a girl who almost died more times than she can count? What is funny about someone who is now dependent on a feeding tube for the rest of her life because she has done too much damage to her stomach? What is funny about a girl who never use to have seizures but now has to be on medication for seizures because of her medical complexities?  What is funny about a girl breaking bones, having concussions, and bleeding from fainting? What is funny about a 23 year old being on SIXTEEN medications to keep her body functioning somewhat normally? What’s funny about a girl starving herself because she hates herself so much or because she was sexually abused at age 4 for two years straight? I don’t see anything funny about this. But a lot of society seems to laugh at eating disorders and claim they are lifestyles and not a disease. Well they are, just like cancer. Would you make fun of cancer on your show?

It is not ok to make fun of any illness, INCLUDING mental illnesses. People need to be educated so we can lower the number of deaths a day from eating disorders-which happens to be 23. So by the time I finished this letter. We lost another precious soul. Someones daughter, son, mother, brother, sister, wife, husband, best friend G O N E.

Therapy homework- "what am i living for?"

This past week my therapist gave me a journaling assignment, and I thought I would share my response.

This is a question 'I find myself asking frequently. I even remember being a small girl wondering why I am alive. I even remembering being little and telling my mother "I was I was never born."

For as long as I can think back, I don't think I've ever felt like I was living. Just merely existing. Just because I am breathing doesn't mean I am alive. just because I am not dead doesn't mean I'm alive. I feel like I am drowning and suffocating but I can see everyone around me swimming, breathing, floating. I've been drowning but no body saw mw struggle.

I try my best everyday but I just can't breathe. And every second I'm alive I feel like I am drowning. This is perhaps one of the most painful ways to live. So why cant I fix it? Why cant I suddenly be full of life and enthusiasm? Why can't I go to bed and actually want to wake up the next day?

I've become a master at hiding my pain. I have even fooled some psychiatrists. No body truly cares about my pain anyways, and What's the point of being a burden?

Even since being a kid I've gone through the anxieties of finding what I am truly destined to be. Trying to achieve what God's plan is for me. First I thought I was destined to be a pediatrician, than a prima ballerina. Than I thought maybe I'm supposed to be both at once. Than it was a pediatric surgeon. Non I debate if I'm supposed to be a pediatric nurse or NICU nurse or a Christian singer and help people through music like It has helped me. I wish I could call God on my iPhone and have him tell me my plan for my life.

Maybe my purpose is to just be anorexic, suicidal, and an anxious wreck. I know that sounds tucked up, but one has to wonder after 13 years of struggle, starvation, cutting, and suicide attempts-why aren't I better? Or is It not too long before I am a memory?

All I know is that I want to be happy. I want to change peoples lives. I want to help the hurting, But how? When? Why? Well I know the why portion- because I know what it feels like to have no one, to feel like the only way out Is death.

So all in all, I'm not sure I can fully answer the question of what I am living for. Because I ask myself this question every minute of every day

my #transformationtuesday picture i am not proud of

Every Tuesday Instagram is flooded with the famous hashtag “transformation Tuesday” Its where most woman post pictures of themselves in bikinis or gym clothing showing off all the weight they had lost, or the muscle they had gained.

I have a picture like that too:

 

The left was me at age 10 the right was me around 12-13. When I was 12-13 I was getting so many compliments from peers and friends telling me how great I looked. Or how healthy and skinny I had become. They said they envied me for being able to get so thin. And asked how I did it. But I couldn’t tell them the truth. I lied and said I just had a fast metabolism, or it was from my vigorous dance schedule.

But for me, and a lot of other woman, a thinner body does not mean a healthier body or person. For me it meant the exact opposite.

My “perfect body” came from starving every day, and compulsively exercising on top of that. I was slowly destroying myself. It became a body with lost periods, a weakened heart and other weakened organs. It became a body that lost hair and developed dry skin and brittle nails. It became a body that constantly gave out on me.

It looked like I finally had the body that would make my life perfect and amazing. Not only was I extremely weak and fatigued, I didn’t see what other people saw when they looked at me. I still, saw a fat girl.  Instead of this new body giving me everything I desired, it did the opposite.

I didn’t only lose weight. I lost friends, boyfriends, jobs, my health, my integrity, my passion for life, and so much more. I spent years in and out of hospitals and treatment centers for my anorexia. I thought for so long that losing weight would make me happy, which was really what I craved. But in the end, it just made me hate life even more.  I couldn’t stand living with this constant battle in my head of whether or not to put the fork to my mouth. I couldn’t tolerate the constant obsession with calorie counting and exercising and sizes and weight. I became a prisoner in my own body. All for a peace of mind I never got.

I would give anything to be the girl on the left again.

I would love to go back to before my eating disorder started. To be that carefree girl who exercised only when she felt like it, or for enjoyment. Who had an amazing and bright future ahead of her.  Who could eat a slice of pizza without a second thought.

Next time you see a before and after picture, think before you comment. Remember you don’t know what they did to get there. You don’t know what struggles that woman is facing, what her life is like, what her story is.  You don’t know anything other than her size or body shape.

Our society focuses too much on skinny. We praise those who lose weight like they just won a gold medal at the Olympics. When young girls see how important weight loss is, they can fall down the slippery slope of an eating disorder. Because what girl doesn’t want to be liked, popular and appreciated?

Look beyond the outside. The transformations we aim for should be growing as a human being in our soul, dreams, maturity, and skills. That is what we should be teaching children, because what’s inside is what makes them who they are. Our bodies will eventually decay, but our spirit lives on.

And maybe one day I’ll be the girl on the left again. Not necessarily her size, but her spunkiness, joy, and happiness.