sounds like an easy concept right? i mean i guess in some ways it can be, but not always. especially when you are being asked to let go of the one thing you have control over in your life, food and your weight. or well i guess it would just be easier to say my eating disorder.
it is not that i am trying to control the world, just my world, my little screwed up dark and twisty world.
i have always wanted control over something in my life. i never had control over anything growing up, my parent have always been over-bearing and demanding. i didnt even get to control what i ate,
If I were with my dad
alone, I was never allowed to eat what the other kids called “fun foods.” He
would refer it to as poison being released into my body. As a little girl this
frightened me, but I still had that craving for the sugary, artificially made
foods. Whenever I was able to get my little innocent hands on any of this, I
would savor it. Eat it as slow as I could and always have extra that I could
hide in my bedroom and save for later. I knew that having a chance to have
these kinds of foods was rare. Perhaps more rare than winning the lottery.
My
father always forced me to eat the food I didn’t like, or didn’t want. I felt
completely and utterly powerless over everything in my life. Even something as
miniscule as food. I slowly learned to hate the foods my dad would force me to
eat. or maybe id trick myself into
thinking I hated them so I could gain back control, find some way to be independent,
not just a robot doing what her master asks her to do.
I believe my mother had an obsession with food in different ways. I starve;
she eats everything in sight, plus more. My brother, sister and I always had to
keep a close watch on our food at restaurants or even at home. If we were out
to eat (which my mother enjoyed to do quite often) she wouldn’t only complete
her 2 burgers, 2 large fries, soda, and mcflurry, she would start eating our
happy meals as well. It was almost like living in the jungle with other species
where you had to fight for your food to survive.
Now I
am not saying my mother starved me, because by no means did she. I was just
always afraid I would never have food for myself. Any food or goodies I
received, I would also hide in my room to keep my mom from eating it. Even if it
was something I didn’t enjoy the taste of, it was still hidden in my secret
stash. I kept changing the location of this secret stash due to fear of my mom
finding its location. Often, I forgot I even had this secret treasure box, but
knowing I did made me feel much more safe and secure.
eventually i learned that my parents couldnt force feed me, they couldnt physically shove a spoonful of food down my throat. so this is how i started grasping control in my life. along with losing weight. my mom was overweight because she controlled it by over-eating. i could control my weight by undereating and be who i wanted to me.
after 8 years of this being entrenched into your mind, it is hard to just "Let go and let God." believe me i do, more than anything i want to toss my eating disorder out the window. but if i do that, if i let go of control, will God make me obese ? or fatter than i already am? my life will feel so much more out of control, i will lose the ONE THING that is mine, that i can manipulate.
yet it is a catch 22- because the one thing i feel like i have control of, in reality i dont. the eating disorder controls ME i dont control IT.
its a constant battle in my mind. but i decided to take my therapist up on the offer to write this phrase around my apartment....lets see how it turns out.....
