have any of you heard the song Everybody talks ? i am not quite sure who sings it, but i know whenever i am in the car with a friend, and they turn kiss 108 on, that song always seems to come on. why that song? and why is the first line always stuck inside of my head???
the song opens with "hey baby won't you look this way i can be your new addiction."
my first thought that pops into my head is ANA. this is how ana snuck into the riddle. maybe? maybe not?
i mean in the beginning, i didn't know what i was doing, or what i was getting myself into. that simple word DIET seemed the answer to all of my problems, the answer to my self hatred, my depression, my anxiety, to curing my trauma. i didn't know it would literally turn into an addiction. an addiction to starving myself.
i didn't crave drugs, or alcohol i craved hunger, the feeling of being empty. which i now see is pretty counterproductive considering i hate feeling empty emotionally. i hate feeling alone and lost and like i am just a disease covered with the shell of a human being.
it became more than about how i look, it is my only way out. yet at the same time, it causes more problems each and every day. because of that, i hate getting out of bed, i never want to get out of bed, it is torture for me. all day i loo forward to go to bed and just sleep my life away. every night i go to sleep and secretly hope that this is the night my heart will stop like all my doctors tell me will happen.
i hate feeling that way. i want to feel happy and believe i have a purpose to life. i want to live out God's purpose for me. it just seems impossible....
