do you ever have a new favorite song that you can play 50 times in a day and still not get sick of? well i have one right now, actually its been a favorite for the past 2 weeks or so. it is called "need you now" by plumb
i think the reason i love it so much is because the lyrics resinate so much with what i am feeling and going through right now. everytime i hear it, i just want to burst into tears, it causes me to feel so vulnerable. here are the lyrics:
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
i hate to admit this, but sometimes i almost get angry with God, angry that he allows me or anyone else to have an eating disorder. why he allows us to be in so much pain and misery both physically and mentally. i do know through this struggle that i have definatly grown closer to God, but couldn't he have done this through a different way? a less painful way? i know i am silent, but what i am doing to myself is basically me screaming out for this to all just be taking away. not only the eating disorder, but the self-hate, the depression, the dissatisfaction my family has with me, there is just one long list but the top thing is for the eating disorder to be taking away. or least for God to provide a way out. i am at a point in my life where i feel like the only way out is death. a lot of the time i am silently waiting for the eating disorder to just take me. i know that sound messed up and the so called "easy way out" but ive been trying the "hard way out" for years and its not working. as the days go on i just feel like i am falling more and more into the trap of my eating disorder, and i didnt think that could ever be possible. does God not hear my cries, does God not see the pain i am in? am i not worthy to be saved or free from this prison? i am not saying i am gonna give up on recovery but it is soo tempting to just throw in the towel and say screw it. i just am feeling so depressed and lost tonight. i just want to feel happy and normal in life again, i cant remeber ever feeling like that. this is how long it has been.
sorry if this post was negative but hey-this is the real me, take it or leave it.
