it feels like someone is sawing your insides out and stealing your identity.
everything that is second nature to you is unexpectingly frowned upon and you are seen as a "wrong person" you want to starve and are addicted to the feeling of hunger that knaws away at your stomach. Food is still seen and may always be seen as the enemy. every meal is like world war three. the thing is, its a battle with yourself. its a war that you sometimes want to win so bad yet its to difficult almost every day.
you're alone in this world, alone in your head, and alone in your heart. they dont understand why a simple task of putting even just a remorse amount of food to your lips is so dreadfully difficult to do. everyone just says "JUST EAT," you think in your head, "if only it where that easy, id be recovered by now."
you miss the things that you used to enjoy in life. your eating disorder stole all passions and energy and now that your in recovery, that becomes your full time job.a job where your manager is abusive. a job you hate.
you start to gain weight and people tell you how much "better you look, or you look healthy." they dont get it they dont understand that in your mind healthy equals fat. clothes actually start to fit and are not loosely hanging off your protuding bones. eventually you have to go up a few sizes. you arent excited that you can now where clothing other than children clothing. instead you are horrified, mortified and filled with so much self hatred. being a "normal" size sucks. you're not used to it. you are not now known as the shockingly skinny girl, you no longer have that ONE thing you're good at, that makes you unique.
you wonder why your mind doesnt understand that sometimes being normal is healthy and great. you learn that starving yourself to death is not unique or admirable. while in the store instead of purchasing clothes that fit, you buy clothes that you could swim in just to hide your new uncomfortable body.
you are now expected to find a new thing in life to strive for. for so many years your life and purpose was dedicated to starving and being the skinniest i could be, now that starving isnt an option, you have to decide and aim for and are passionate about.
you may slip up, skip a meal or snack. maybe exercise to much or puke up your food. but the expecatation is too get up and start eating again. your biggest fear yet also what you crave is that you'll go crawling back to the arms of the eating disorder. you want nothing more but to be thin and what your body looked like before recovery. sometimes you wish slipping back was an option but you know it cannot be and any time you entertain the idea, the eating disorder gets louder. and you know that every meal you miss makes you a failure..
even though you are trying to recover when people ask you where you want to be 5 or 10 years from now the answer is dead. life is so painful. especially when you have to eat. the whole thing doesnt faze you at all. maybe youve even attempted a time or few. if you die thats okay, at least you'll die thin.
no matter how many times you slip up or want to give up, deep down you know you cant because you have to be a fighter. you fight for those good days that everyone tells you will happen and the amazing person that can shine through. and when you cant do it for yourself, you fight for someone else that you love and care for!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Friday, April 4, 2014
misconceptions of ED
well i posted a status on facebook asking people what a good blog topic would be. one response was misconceptions of ED. my first thought was dang i could go on forever with that one. society has formed so many lies and stereotypes around people diagnosed with eating disorders. then again if you think, people thrive off of gossip.
the misconceptions go from the way a person with an eating disorder should look too what an eating disorder specifically is.
here are some myths
1) eating disorders are not serious; they are a "lifestyle or choice
TRUTH eating disorders are a serious and life threatening mental illness. and they definatly arent a diet gone "too far." many people think we can just "snap out of it" but no we dont choose too be like this. I cant tell you how many times i have cried out for this to be taken away or gone back in time and stopped this eating disorder from ever starting.
2) eating disorders are a cry for attention
TRUTH in fact many people try to hide their eating disorders for as long as possible. they try to disguise and deny their behavior. or they may not even believe that there is anything wrong. for me my eating disorder was far from attention, it was and is the opposite. i wanted to shrink away to nothing and disappear from the world because i didnt feel worthy enough. worthy of what you ask? Love, acceptance, just being alive and breathing air. so no i dont starve myself for attention
3)you can tell if someone has an eating disorder by looking at them
TRUTH people with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. a lot of people think you need to look like a walking skeleton and be 60 pounds in order to have an eating disorder. sadly i have known people who have died at healthy weights and even overweight from the damage they have done to their bodies. you cant always tell the pain someone is feeling just by looking at them. people engage in behaviors at all weights. eating disorders come in one size---miserable. did you know people wont seek help or treatment because of this silly misconception? they're embarassed and believe they're too fat for help which ends up costing them their lives.
4)eating disorders are caused by the media
TRUTH many people are exposed to the media and altered images on a daily basis and only a small percentage actually have eating disorders. eating disoders have biological, genetic and psychological underpinnings. of course the media doesnt help the situation at all but they are by no means the cause of eating disorders. although i so badly wish theyd get off their damn weight loss streaking on the news.
5) someone can chose to stop having an eating disorder
TRUTH Someone can make the choice to pursue recovery, but the act of recovery itself is a lot of hard work and involves more than simply deciding to not act on symptoms. In most cases, the eating disorder has become a person’s primary way of coping with intense emotions and difficult life events . for me my ed became all i knew it was my life. what i woke up to every morning, my last thought before ffalling asleep it haunts me every moment of my life. i WISH i could just throw it in the trash can, but it takes a hell of a lot more than that and its scary work.
6)Anorexia is about vanity. If a person with anorexia says, ‘I feel fat,’ it is just to get compliments.
TRUTH People with anorexia experience a real distortion in their body image. This is one of the symptoms of the illness. Often, a person with anorexia will view his or her body very differently than we view it. Described as looking in a “fun-house mirror,” the self-perceptions of people with anorexia are not an accurate reflection of their true body weight and shape. even when i got to the dangerously low weight of 93 pounds at the height of 5'9" i still saw myself as fat and i cant even begin to describe the amount of SELF HATRED i experience on a daily basis.
7) Anorexia is all about control.
truth There is some truth to this statement, but it is important to clear up any misconceptions surrounding the idea of control and eating disorders. A person with anorexia may feel that he or she has been unable to effect change in certain aspects of life or may feel unable to control the unfolding of certain life events. He or she may instead attempt to control food intake as a way of having mastery over one area of life. For some patients, anorexia serves as a complex distraction from other painful, seemingly unmanageable feelings or events. A person with an eating disorder does not know of another way to cope, but most would change this if they could.
8)An Eating Disorder Will Be Completely Cured After Treatment
TRUTH People go into treatment and become weight stabilized. Physically they're in a safe place, but they're not in a safe mental state. There are still underlying emotional issues. It's completely about the food and completely not about food. People may be weight restored, but they may not be completely emotionally restored.
9) anorexics never eat
TRUTH
Someone with anorexia will deny themselves food while they may actually feel extremely hungry but its not accurate that they never eat. they deny themselves to such low caloric levels that it puts their bodies into starvation mode. some may munch on veggies and low calorie things to curb their appetite.
10)
Eating disorders only affect girls and young women
TRUTH Although statistics show that eating disorders affects young women, it is thought that the figures underestimate the number of men who have eating disorders.
Official figures show that one in ten of people diagnosed with anorexia are males. and the numbers are increasing at an alarming rate. i have been in treatment with several men who suffer from eating disorders.
my biggest point from this post...dont assume, educate yourself. dont hurt someone because of your ignorance or lack of knowledge.
the misconceptions go from the way a person with an eating disorder should look too what an eating disorder specifically is.
here are some myths
1) eating disorders are not serious; they are a "lifestyle or choice
TRUTH eating disorders are a serious and life threatening mental illness. and they definatly arent a diet gone "too far." many people think we can just "snap out of it" but no we dont choose too be like this. I cant tell you how many times i have cried out for this to be taken away or gone back in time and stopped this eating disorder from ever starting.
2) eating disorders are a cry for attention
TRUTH in fact many people try to hide their eating disorders for as long as possible. they try to disguise and deny their behavior. or they may not even believe that there is anything wrong. for me my eating disorder was far from attention, it was and is the opposite. i wanted to shrink away to nothing and disappear from the world because i didnt feel worthy enough. worthy of what you ask? Love, acceptance, just being alive and breathing air. so no i dont starve myself for attention
3)you can tell if someone has an eating disorder by looking at them
TRUTH people with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. a lot of people think you need to look like a walking skeleton and be 60 pounds in order to have an eating disorder. sadly i have known people who have died at healthy weights and even overweight from the damage they have done to their bodies. you cant always tell the pain someone is feeling just by looking at them. people engage in behaviors at all weights. eating disorders come in one size---miserable. did you know people wont seek help or treatment because of this silly misconception? they're embarassed and believe they're too fat for help which ends up costing them their lives.
4)eating disorders are caused by the media
TRUTH many people are exposed to the media and altered images on a daily basis and only a small percentage actually have eating disorders. eating disoders have biological, genetic and psychological underpinnings. of course the media doesnt help the situation at all but they are by no means the cause of eating disorders. although i so badly wish theyd get off their damn weight loss streaking on the news.
5) someone can chose to stop having an eating disorder
TRUTH Someone can make the choice to pursue recovery, but the act of recovery itself is a lot of hard work and involves more than simply deciding to not act on symptoms. In most cases, the eating disorder has become a person’s primary way of coping with intense emotions and difficult life events . for me my ed became all i knew it was my life. what i woke up to every morning, my last thought before ffalling asleep it haunts me every moment of my life. i WISH i could just throw it in the trash can, but it takes a hell of a lot more than that and its scary work.
6)Anorexia is about vanity. If a person with anorexia says, ‘I feel fat,’ it is just to get compliments.
TRUTH People with anorexia experience a real distortion in their body image. This is one of the symptoms of the illness. Often, a person with anorexia will view his or her body very differently than we view it. Described as looking in a “fun-house mirror,” the self-perceptions of people with anorexia are not an accurate reflection of their true body weight and shape. even when i got to the dangerously low weight of 93 pounds at the height of 5'9" i still saw myself as fat and i cant even begin to describe the amount of SELF HATRED i experience on a daily basis.
7) Anorexia is all about control.
truth There is some truth to this statement, but it is important to clear up any misconceptions surrounding the idea of control and eating disorders. A person with anorexia may feel that he or she has been unable to effect change in certain aspects of life or may feel unable to control the unfolding of certain life events. He or she may instead attempt to control food intake as a way of having mastery over one area of life. For some patients, anorexia serves as a complex distraction from other painful, seemingly unmanageable feelings or events. A person with an eating disorder does not know of another way to cope, but most would change this if they could.
8)An Eating Disorder Will Be Completely Cured After Treatment
TRUTH People go into treatment and become weight stabilized. Physically they're in a safe place, but they're not in a safe mental state. There are still underlying emotional issues. It's completely about the food and completely not about food. People may be weight restored, but they may not be completely emotionally restored.
9) anorexics never eat
TRUTH
Someone with anorexia will deny themselves food while they may actually feel extremely hungry but its not accurate that they never eat. they deny themselves to such low caloric levels that it puts their bodies into starvation mode. some may munch on veggies and low calorie things to curb their appetite.
10)
Eating disorders only affect girls and young women
TRUTH Although statistics show that eating disorders affects young women, it is thought that the figures underestimate the number of men who have eating disorders.
Official figures show that one in ten of people diagnosed with anorexia are males. and the numbers are increasing at an alarming rate. i have been in treatment with several men who suffer from eating disorders.
my biggest point from this post...dont assume, educate yourself. dont hurt someone because of your ignorance or lack of knowledge.
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