what recovery from an eating disorder feels like

it feels like someone is sawing your insides out and stealing your identity.

everything that is second nature to you is unexpectingly frowned upon and you are seen as a "wrong person" you want to starve and are addicted to the feeling of hunger that knaws away at your stomach.  Food is still seen and may always be seen as the enemy.  every meal is like world war three. the thing is, its a battle with yourself. its a war that you sometimes want to win so bad yet its to difficult almost every day.

you're alone in this world, alone in your head, and alone in your heart. they dont understand why a simple task of putting even just a remorse amount of food to your lips is so dreadfully difficult to do. everyone just says "JUST EAT," you think in your head, "if only it where that easy, id be recovered by now."

you miss the things that you used to enjoy in life. your eating disorder stole all passions and energy and now that your in recovery, that becomes your full time job.a job where your manager is abusive. a job you hate.

you start to gain weight and people tell you how much "better you look, or you look healthy." they dont get it they dont understand that in your mind healthy equals fat. clothes actually start to fit and are not loosely hanging off your protuding bones. eventually you have to go up a few sizes. you arent excited that you can now where clothing other than children clothing. instead you are horrified, mortified and filled with so much self hatred. being a "normal" size sucks. you're not used to it. you are not now known as the shockingly skinny girl, you no longer have that ONE thing you're good at, that makes you unique.

you wonder why your mind doesnt understand that sometimes being normal is healthy and great. you learn that starving yourself to death is not unique or admirable. while in the store instead of purchasing clothes that fit, you buy clothes that you could swim in just to hide your new uncomfortable body.

you are now expected to find a new thing in life to strive for. for so many years your life and purpose was dedicated to starving and being the skinniest i could be, now that starving isnt an option, you have to decide and aim for and are passionate about.

you may slip up, skip a meal or snack. maybe exercise to much or puke up your food. but the expecatation is too get up and start eating again. your biggest fear yet also what you crave is that you'll go crawling back to the arms of the eating disorder. you want nothing more but to be thin and what your body looked like before recovery. sometimes you wish slipping back was an option but you know it cannot be and any time you entertain the idea, the eating disorder gets louder. and you know that every meal you miss makes you a failure..

even though you are trying to recover when people ask you where you want to be 5 or 10 years from now the answer is dead. life is so painful. especially when you have to eat. the whole thing doesnt faze you at all. maybe youve even attempted a time or few. if you die thats okay, at least you'll die thin.

 no matter how many times you slip up or want to give up, deep down you know you cant because you have to be a fighter. you fight for those good days that everyone tells you will happen and the amazing person that can shine through. and when you cant do it for yourself, you fight for someone else that you love and care for!