i recently got a therapy assignment to write about what my life and i would look like without ED. i didn't completely follow the directions, but i think what i had to say can relate with a lot of people.
when i look back on my life, i am not sure i ever really knew who i was, or where i was supposed to go in life. i quickly learned to people please at such an unseasoned age. i told myself i couldn't as so much just jokingly stutter the word "no" to anyone. i seeked self-approval in other's approval of me. depending on which group of friends i was with determined my likes, dislikes, and even my personality and wardrobe. if i felt if even just one person out of 500 did not like me, my world would come tumbling in. i also became a success addict, excelling in everything i did in an attempt to receive approval from my parents. i took classes and did extra curricular activities i didn't enjoy because i thought it would make mommy and daddy happy.
but the one time and place i felt free, happy, and myself was in dance. especially in performances and competitions. not only was i in love, i outshone everyone in my studio. my identity than became bekah the amazing dancer.
i am not sure why or when that wasn't enough. what i do know is that it changed my life forever. i have some theories, one being the competitive nature between my sister and i. i felt extremely threatened when my mom placed my sister in dance. i slid down the slippery slope into madness. i became a new bekah. not internally, but externally. i lost all my "baby fat" and was complimented left and right. i had always been praised for my abilities but never my appearance. this new recognition felt good. it eventually led to separating my sister from i, she was the curvy one, i was the skinny one. it felt good to finally have something that was only mine. i was now known as the thin dancer. and when everyone found out i was anorexic due to my mothers bombastic mouth, i was the anorexic dancer. not only did it identify me, it consumed me. all my problems seemed to escape the more and more consumed i became with calories, weight, body image, and the desire to shrink away more and more.
i do know what greatly effected my descendant into madness was when dance was taken away from me due to the eating disorder. if i wasn't the dancer anymore, all i was was anorexic and obscenely skinny, i couldn't let that last part of who i was be taken away. so that was what i devoted my life too, and how it has been for the last 12 years. it is definitely a love/hate relationship. i always say i cant live with ED but i cant live without ED. rationally i know that ED is holding me back from my potential in life. but i am also terrified to imagine a life without him. i'm scared of failure, scared of going after the wrong thing, scared of disappointment, and scared of feelings, even the good feelings of love and companionship. with ED my days are certain to be the same and even though those days are filled with pain and sorrow, i know what to do expect and i don't have to face my fear of change.
i have many things that i want to do in life, one of which getting married and having a family of my own. logically i know with ED i cant conceive. but my mind likes to tell me otherwise. i also want to go far with singing and music which i am honestly not sure ED would effect. but my other dream to complete nursing school and become a pediatric nurse i definitly cannot do because of my lack of energy and strength. i really cant deny that on a daily basis i physically feel like absolute shit, constantly dizzy, weak, chest pain, nausea, shaky, passing out. but that's my norm, i'm used to it. i am scared to get used to a new norm. what if i don't like life without ED? what if i cant be comfortable at a healthy weight? i think the times that i tried to kill myself where attempts to escape ED. i am scared the only way out is death. i would rather be dead than live with an eating disorder for the rest of my life.
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