if my body were perfect now or acceptable now,would i really be able to love it?embrace it?
what would you do if you could design the perfect body for yourself?
hmmmm i have been pondering this alot lately... well for one thing i know is that my body is NOT perfect or acceptable, i am so unsatisfied with it. yes you guessed-i feeel like an obsese whale. dont get me wrong i really wish i could love and accept myself just the way i am, just the way god made me, but how? how do i do that in this messed up world, my perception of myself is turned upside down and inside out. i stand, for the rest of my life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad. i want to break free, i want to be a butterfly !!!! i just learned today in a therapy session that a butterfly symbols rebirth... i always loved butterflys because i know that they symbol freedom....now i love them even more! i want to be like a butterfly and just fly away from ana or ed, which ever you prefer. i honestly wonder if that is possible. you hear about people recovering everyday, but you also hear about the relapses, the deaths, the suicides. i heard that only 30-40% of anorexics ever fully recover.... and A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years. but i dont want to be another statistic, i want to be more than that.... i mean i dont think i am going to die but their are times when i do get scared, when i cant move i lie in bed paralyzed when my heart is freaking out, when i pass out, and ughh so much. but i always end up alright in the end... so i am fine right? guess i will find out someway or another.... the ultimate question.....do i choose LIFE or do i choose DEATH? i know this is an unconcious decision of course, of course when i refuse food or take those pills i am not thinking "i am choosing death" it is just unspoken. i really want to work towards choosing life, so many fears and uncertanties though...my one wish is whoever is reading this is realizing ED IS NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE! PLEASE STOP AND GET HELP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! dont go down that road, i wish i got stopped earlier.... i went 2 years without anyone catching on... even after that, my parents where in denial for another year.... i am not saying if it had got caughten earlier i would have been better or not gotten this "bad" but its a possibility, a large possibilty infact. my heart aches for all the girls i meet in treatment or hear about that struggle with this, i just wish i could make it better, maybe i can help people.... but i am not powerful or strong enough. i am weak, i know i am. ANYWAYS i am getting off topic, i tend to do that alot....
the next question.... what would i change my body to?
emmaciated.... i hate to admit itm but i want to be emmaciated. i want to be skin and bones, but i want to SEE it, i dont want to look in the mirror and see this fat girl. i dont even want muscle to be quite frank. yes i know my mind is messed up, but i dont know how to change it??? it wasnt always like this with the ed, started off just wanting to loose weight, which turned into wanting a flat stomach, turned into wanting stick legs and arms, turned into wanting to be muscle, no fat which now has turned into just wanting to be skin and bones. sometimes i wish to have the body of an 8 or 10 year old girl. ii feel like this question is answered different for many girls and even men. ii know for a fact i wanted/want to look like the perfect ballerina...which is ultimately drastically underweight.
"The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason." ~John Cage
it isn't too late for you, bekah.
ReplyDeletei know it might feel like things are too far gone to turn around, but they aren't. this is still and always will be ultimately within your control. you can choose to live and you can choose to take the power back from your eating disorder, but you're going to have to want it.
i love you so much, girl, and will never stop believing in you.