quotes

"I am your excuse, your outlet for pain and your best support. You’ve needed me to survive the last years. I make you isolate and forget your problems. I numb your feeling and make you warm inside. I protect you from the world which can be so bitter and heartless. I make you miss out on the “precious present.” I make you sick. I make you cry. I make you emotional. I make you crazy. I make nothing else matter. And, if you don’t let go, I WILL MAKE YOU DIE."

"An eating disorder doesn’t mean you never eat and exercise all day. It means you are consumed and being destroyed by a little voice that constantly says “you’re fat”. "

"I hate when they say you’re hurting everyone around you. Well, does that mean I should just quit for them? That it’s alright when I’m hurting, but when it starts to hurt other people that’s when I need help? You know what? Maybe I just don’t want to care about other people right now. Maybe that’s what got me into this whole mess is caring about people that don’t care
 about me back. Maybe I should just focus on myself right now."

"They see themselves, but in an extremely over-analyzed way, and they focus in on the fat that they have. It’s not about being fat, but HAVING fat."

"When you decide to die, little things begin to happen. You stop looking both ways before you cross the street, you start answering the door without asking who’s there. You don’t hold onto the railing when you go down the escalator, you play with matches. You smoke, and breathe it in, actually praying it will make a difference. Deciding to die is actually almost nice, in a way. You stop caring. Even if you are not pro-actively looking for ways to kill yourself, you stop looking for ways to survive."

"I am reluctant and sad to admit that I do believe that this illness will be the death of me - maybe not today, not tomorrow, maybe not even in a year or five years… but it has its bony fingers wrapped so tightly around my life, my every breath and heartbeat. I believe that there is no real way out for me… and this nightmare will consume every day until I die… and a strong sense in me believes that I will perish prematurely… one day. Because I am not strong enough. Because I stopped being human so long ago."

"Therapist: What are some of your goals right now? Me: I guess I’d like to be more confident and less self-loathing. I want to stop constantly berating myself for every single thing. Therapist: So you think you deserve all of this pain? Me: Logically, from an objective standpoint, I know I probably don’t. But I’ve trained myself to think this way. In my mind, I deserve even more suffering than I could possibly endure"

"The truth is, sometimes you dont really know people as well as you think you do. You may know things like their favorite color and who their favorite band is, but you have no idea what kind of person they are when they are alone at the end of the day, or what kind of things that go through their head. You could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken inside, and have no clue because you only ever see them smile."

"You look at the consequence and can’t imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something…"