i step out of those locked doors of safety into my terrifying eating disordered world. while there i hated it more than i could ever thought. but once i left the people protecting me from my eating disorder, i broke into tears of fear. tears of going through that pain again. fear of physical and mental pain, fears of being alone, fears of the world in general. i was there for 2 months, 2 months i hated. but when it was time to go, a sense of sadness filled my heart. what if my eating disorder takes more control again, what if it makes me take laxatives until i vomit, or starve myself until i pass out, or exercise until i am going to fall to pieces? what if my anorexia kills me? in some ways, i wished it would, because living with the disease is more painful then dying. this is what filled my mind the day leading up to discharge.

this time in treatment was a very hard road medically. i was on bedrest pretty much the entire time, 6 out of the 8 weeks i was there. i couldnt stand up without blacking out and hitting my head. my heart was acting out on me, and blood pressure so extremely low, although its normally low, but this was deathly low. my suicidal thoughts grew more and more itense. i just wanted to be dead. everything would be so much easier. i'd pray to god everynight to just take me, that i didnt want to wake up to face another day, another day with the anorexia.

now that i am home, not much has changed, i do feel a little less depressed, and happy to be with my boyfriend. physically i am not doing well, still passing out and having no energy. today, i am going to have another NG tube placed. i am scared, dont want to gain anymore weight, dont want the stares when i am walking down the street, dont want the questions as to what that tube in my nose is. i just want to f a d e  a w a y  to  n o t h i n g.......