The title of this post may come as a shock to many of you who are following this page. I will just put it out in the open, blunt....yes, I was a victim of sexual abuse and rape multiple times in my young years. Years when I shouldn't have even known what sex and other things were. Years where playing with barbies and jumping hopscotch were going on. Unfortunately, most of my young years were robbed of pleasent memories. It has greatly effected me developing a healthy relationship with a man in my adult years.
When you learn of the things a man can do to you at such an unseasoned age, you pretty much create your sense of what any man is like, and how ANY man will treat you. I learned that they are strong, a lot stronger than me, both physically and mentally. I learned that what I wanted and needed clearly did not matter. I learned that I wasn't really a girl with feelings and morals, I was just an object. Just like the teddy bear laying on my bed. I could be picked up, beaten, hugged, and so much worse without a say from me. I learned that even fartherly figures were not safe, I learned that teenage boys were not safe, I basically learned that no man was safe.
The sexual abuse left scars, feelings of guilt, fear, shame, anger, high anxiety, and depression.
since my abuse which lasted about a total of 3-4 years, I have not learned how to form a healthy relationship with another boy. I started taking it to the extreme.
I withdrew from all social activity involved with men. It didn't matter if we were dating, he was still seen as a threat and I was seen as the target that could be attacked at any moment. I had no ability to feel any pleasure from kissing or holding hands and cuddling. The only thing it caused was severe anxiety to the point where I would disassociate. I also started to sabatoge relationships. The closer I got to someone, the more the trust issues reared it's ugly head and I would pull away emotionally and sexually. to me it was much easier to end the relationship than to deal with the past abuse that would pop up in my brain.
There were other times were I allowed men to verbally abuse me, in one relationship in particular I allowed the verbal abuse to go on for a year. I didnt think I deserved better, I was dirty, unclean, and worthless because that man at age 4 told me those things.
than I resorted to the Anorexia. I thought maybe if I made my body unattractive to men, I would be protected. The eating disorder was my armor and shield.I guess it still is.
So how do you get past that? How do you not let your memories dictate your future relationships? Well my friends, I think this is more of a question to you, because I know that I dont know the answer. Although I wish I did.
Why did this blog topic come up? you see I am in a new relationship with a man who treats me like I have never been treated before....with respect, love, kindness, and acceptance. It feels so good but so wrong at the same time because I have never been treated this well my a male. I already have the fears of when the relationship goes further and these things and questions pop up about sexual things. I dont want to run away from him because I really love him and he gets me and I get him. But will my shame from the past allow me to ? can i escape those paralyzing memories and move forward? How do you just forget something that was wrongfully taken away from you at such a tender age? can you?
the truth is i am terrified. Actually i don't even think terrified covers it. But i am also curious, and a bit hopeful that maybe finally I can have a normal relationship that will develop into a marriage down the line and start my own family, which has always been a dream of mine. all i can do at this point is pray, ask God to take away the feelings of shame and self hate, because i know he does not want me to feel these. I need to pray for trust, to trust this amazing man and trust that God is always my protector and will not let me down. But this is easier said than done. i still want to save myself for marriage. and i hope its still considered saving myself. so many questions, so little answers.
