quotes

"I am your excuse, your outlet for pain and your best support. You’ve needed me to survive the last years. I make you isolate and forget your problems. I numb your feeling and make you warm inside. I protect you from the world which can be so bitter and heartless. I make you miss out on the “precious present.” I make you sick. I make you cry. I make you emotional. I make you crazy. I make nothing else matter. And, if you don’t let go, I WILL MAKE YOU DIE."

"An eating disorder doesn’t mean you never eat and exercise all day. It means you are consumed and being destroyed by a little voice that constantly says “you’re fat”. "

"I hate when they say you’re hurting everyone around you. Well, does that mean I should just quit for them? That it’s alright when I’m hurting, but when it starts to hurt other people that’s when I need help? You know what? Maybe I just don’t want to care about other people right now. Maybe that’s what got me into this whole mess is caring about people that don’t care
 about me back. Maybe I should just focus on myself right now."

"They see themselves, but in an extremely over-analyzed way, and they focus in on the fat that they have. It’s not about being fat, but HAVING fat."

"When you decide to die, little things begin to happen. You stop looking both ways before you cross the street, you start answering the door without asking who’s there. You don’t hold onto the railing when you go down the escalator, you play with matches. You smoke, and breathe it in, actually praying it will make a difference. Deciding to die is actually almost nice, in a way. You stop caring. Even if you are not pro-actively looking for ways to kill yourself, you stop looking for ways to survive."

"I am reluctant and sad to admit that I do believe that this illness will be the death of me - maybe not today, not tomorrow, maybe not even in a year or five years… but it has its bony fingers wrapped so tightly around my life, my every breath and heartbeat. I believe that there is no real way out for me… and this nightmare will consume every day until I die… and a strong sense in me believes that I will perish prematurely… one day. Because I am not strong enough. Because I stopped being human so long ago."

"Therapist: What are some of your goals right now? Me: I guess I’d like to be more confident and less self-loathing. I want to stop constantly berating myself for every single thing. Therapist: So you think you deserve all of this pain? Me: Logically, from an objective standpoint, I know I probably don’t. But I’ve trained myself to think this way. In my mind, I deserve even more suffering than I could possibly endure"

"The truth is, sometimes you dont really know people as well as you think you do. You may know things like their favorite color and who their favorite band is, but you have no idea what kind of person they are when they are alone at the end of the day, or what kind of things that go through their head. You could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken inside, and have no clue because you only ever see them smile."

"You look at the consequence and can’t imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something…"

body image quetions

i got an interesting email from a friend the other day stating this:

if my body were perfect now or acceptable now,would i really be able to love it?embrace it?

what would you do if you could design the perfect body for yourself?

 

hmmmm i have been pondering this alot lately... well for one thing i know is that my body is NOT perfect or acceptable, i am so unsatisfied with it. yes you guessed-i feeel like an obsese whale. dont get me wrong i really wish i could love and accept myself just the way i am, just the way god made me, but how? how do i do that in this messed up world, my perception of myself is turned upside down and inside out.  i stand, for the rest of my life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad. i want to break free, i want to be a butterfly !!!! i just learned today in a therapy session that a butterfly symbols rebirth... i always loved butterflys because i know that they symbol freedom....now i love them even more! i want to be like a butterfly and just fly away from ana or ed, which ever you prefer.   i honestly wonder if that is possible. you hear about people recovering everyday, but you also hear about the relapses, the deaths, the suicides. i heard that only 30-40% of anorexics ever fully recover.... and A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years. but i dont want to be another statistic, i want to be more than that.... i mean i dont think i am going to die but their are times when i do get scared, when i cant move i lie in bed paralyzed when my heart is freaking out, when i pass out, and ughh so much. but i always end up alright in the end... so i am fine right?  guess i will find out someway or another.... the ultimate question.....do i choose LIFE or do i choose DEATH? i know this is an unconcious decision of course, of course when i refuse food or take those pills i am not thinking "i am choosing death" it is just unspoken. i really want to work towards choosing life, so many fears and uncertanties though...my one wish is whoever is reading this is realizing ED IS NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE! PLEASE STOP AND GET HELP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! dont go down that road, i wish i got stopped earlier.... i went 2 years without anyone catching on... even after that, my parents where in denial for another year.... i am not saying if it had got caughten earlier i would have been better or not gotten this "bad" but its a possibility, a large possibilty infact. my heart aches for all the girls i meet in treatment or hear about that struggle with this, i just wish i could make it better, maybe i can help people.... but i am not powerful or strong enough. i am weak, i know i am. ANYWAYS i am getting off topic, i tend to do that alot....

 

the next question.... what would i change my body to?

 

emmaciated.... i hate to admit itm but i want to be emmaciated. i want to be skin and bones, but i want to SEE it, i dont want to look in the mirror and see this fat girl. i dont even want muscle to be quite frank. yes i know my mind is messed up, but i dont know how to change it??? it wasnt always like this with the ed, started off just wanting to loose weight, which turned into wanting a flat stomach, turned into wanting stick legs and arms, turned into wanting to be muscle, no fat which now has turned into just wanting to be skin and bones. sometimes i wish to have the body of an 8 or 10 year old girl.  ii feel like this question is answered different for many girls and even men. ii  know for a fact i wanted/want to look like the perfect ballerina...which is ultimately drastically underweight.

 

"The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason." ~John Cage
 

eyesore- maria mena lyrics.

The ugly naked truth
She starves me
of my youth,
And I stand alone until
You catch on.
I swear it's not
by choice.
But Ana has this voice,
And it calms me down,
It gives me purpose.

And it's alright,
I'm alright,
I want to be okay.
I've seen it before,
This eyesore; it's me.
Ohh, ohh, ohh, me.

I want out from under
This confining skin
That I so
reluctantly live in.
My worth is
measured solely
According to the scale.
I am heavy, but I
feel frail.

And it's alright,
I'm alright,
I want to be okay.
I've seen it before,
This eyesore; it's me.
Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohhh.

Me.
Ohh, ohh, ohh, Ohhh. Ohhh. (Me)
Ohh, ohh, ohh, Ohhh. Ohhh. (Me)
Ohh, ohh, ohh, Ohhh. Ohhh. Oh.

waking up

well i woke up this morning to my phone singing "never good enough"- by rachel ferguson. this song describes my life. here are the lyrics:

Everybody said she was a winner
No one knew the secret kept within her
Starving for perfection (Eco: Perfection)
Hating her reflection (Eco: Reflection)

She tries harder than the average teen
An over achiever with low self esteem
Wants to look like a star, but she takes it too far
She's Never Good Enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, eighty-eight
She's Never Good Enough

Now her friends know all about her problems
They all try their best to help her solve them
She feels like she's on trial. (Eco: On Trial)
But she's still in denial (Eco: In Denial)

She tries harder than the average teen
An over achiever with low self esteem
Wants to look like a star, but she takes it too far
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
She's Never Good Enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, eighty-eight
She's Never Good Enough

Who's in control now (Eco: Who's in control now)
Who's in control now! (Eco: control now!)

Everybody said she was a winner
No one knew the secret kept within her

She tries harder than the average teen
An over achiever with low self esteem
Wants to look like a star, but she takes it too far
She's Never Good Enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight eighty-eight
She's Never Good Enough

She tries harder than the average teen

i hate that this describes my so called "life" but it does.  i am always unhappy with who i am on the outside and the inside. i want to be beautiful, i want to be perfect. people tell me perfection is unattainable, and i am starting to see that, because no matter what i do, it is never good enough. no matter how much weight i loose, its never enough.  i woke up this morning in that mindset and started my daily workout, which i hate doing and dread every day. here it is again, no matter how long i workout for, never enough. so i guess what i am getting at is that ED will never make you happy. but here i am striving for the fake happiness in something that is slowly killing me, most people are confused as to why i do this.... well so am i