halloween and ED

i know one thing for a fact that when you have an eating disorder, you dont need to dress up as anything because well, that is just scary enough. the toll it takes on you not just physicall but mentally.  i find it incredibly hard to survive through Halloween, as would anyone with an eating disorder, and the part that stink is that it doesn't get better after Halloween. the holidays greatly involving food keep on coming. Halloween really stinks because it is the "kick off" to all the foody holiday's.

now Ive never really cared much for Halloween, even as a child before my eating disorder hit. i never understood the point of dressing up in random costumes and going to peoples door's asking for candy. wasn't that considered rude? now of course i enjoyed getting all my candy but different than many kids i had to hide my candy. as most of you know who read this blog (or maybe you do not) my mother sturggled with binge eating when i was a kid. i hid a lot of food, specifically the junk food in my room so my mother wouldnt eat it on me. this is also what i did with my candy. so i guess halloween doesnt bring up many pleasent memories either. but i would trade those days for these days ANY DAY.

when you have an eating disorder halloween isnt simply dressing up in some skanky outfit and eating candy or drinking for some. for one thing, i wouldnt even go out because i cant stand my body and refuse to wear any of those outfits. i would be in the dressing room in tears ready to take a pair of scissors to my skin to cut off all the fat (if only that really worked)

if for some reason i got a hold of candy, its the devil in my hand. i stare at it for a solid ten minutes. placing it down on my table constantly walking by it, staring at it, craving it, my mouth starts to drool, my taste buds become excited. but i continute to deny myself of this harmless treat.

for some people (and for me on occasion) i give into the purging devil and tell myself, FINE i will eat you but i will punish myself after, rid myself of the dirt and purge you until your completely gone. purge you until i see bile and blood. while you're engrossing yourself with candy you don't even realize how great it tastes because you're too focused on throwing it all up and making sure you get it up fast and good before it is all absorbed.

now that is just a short summary of the day of the life on halloween with a person with an eating disorder, and thanksgiving and christmas and new years just proceedingly get worse. so yea we kind of dread the holiday season.

BUT here are a few tips from NEDA on how to "survive halloween." :)

1. Costumes aren’t such a big deal
Halloween can get stressful trying to figure out what to wear. Focus less on how you look and more about enjoying the festivities! If you don’t like dressing up DON’T! Wear what is going to be comfortable so it does not get in the way of you having a good time!
2. Neither is the candy!
There may be a lot of difficult situations with food for the Halloween festivities. Remember to listen to your body and make smart decisions about what you can handle. Do not be afraid to politely turn down food if you have had enough. A simple “no thank you” should suffice! Make sure you consult with a professional to find the healthy balance you need!
3. Make a plan
Discuss situations ahead of time with your treatment provider so you feel prepared to handle situations you are anticipating. Halloween is so much fun; don’t let your eating disorder take that away!
4. Consider plans that don’t revolve around food
Trick or treating can be fun but there are so many other things that don’t involve food! Carve out a pumpkin to make a jack-o-lantern, go on a hay ride or experience a corn maze!
5. Don’t be afraid to leave. There is always next year!
If you encounter a stressful situation, feel free to excuse yourself. Halloween will be back next year, and you will have until then to work on any challenges you may have encountered this time!

JUST EAT!

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten this remark or question of "why don't you just eat?" If it were that easy they're would be no need for clinics or therapists or to be categorized in the DSM as a disease. Here's my rant 

Telling someone with an eating disorder to just eat is like telling someone with a broken leg to run to the hospital. It's like telling someone with claustraphobia to get inside a small cabinet and lock it.. You don't understand what it's like...what it's like to look at food and silently measure up what it's going to do to your body. Wondering if anyone's even noticed (hoping not) how long it's been since you've eaten. If they even pay attention to what you eat. Food stressed me out, the thought of eating it, adding more to my body than what's disgustingly already there. It's easier to just walk away from it than having to deal with the image looking back at me in the mirror after I've eaten something else that will add more fat, calories ugly. That's just the beginning... People don't understand that go through my Mind when I have good in front of me...you can't just simply ask me why I don't eat. 

So you want to be anorexic?!....

I hate people who say they wish they had a little bit of my problem. So…you think starving is a good way to lose weight, do you? I think you’ve read too many fairy tales. Well, this isn’t one. Neither are eating disorders. They are sheer & total HELL. But, since you want one, I’ll go ahead & prep you for it. I’ll let you know exactly what will happen to you. If this doesn’t make you realize how completely stupid running out there & trying to develop anorexia is, then I wish you the best of luck in killing yourself. Because that’s all you’ll be doing.

The completely ironic part about people trying to lose weight by starving is that half the time it does not work. I bet you think you’ll wind up insanely thin & gorgeous, right? Wrong. You won’t be gorgeous .One thing’s for certain. Insane is a definite part of the package. Your mind won’t be yours anymore. Kiss it goodbye, I hope you didn’t enjoy it.

The less you eat, the lower your metabolism goes. You might starve & starve & barely lose anything…or you might be extra lucky…you might starve & starve & gain weight. Your body might just shut itself down & the weight go nowhere. & even though you aren’t losing, you’ll still be HOOKED. You still won’t be able to stop. By the time your body shuts off from malnutrition, you’ll be too far in it to *snap* think “Oh…this isn’t working…I think I’ll eat again.” No…you’ll be desperate & eat less & less & work out more and more. Eventually, you won’t be ABLE to work out. Your muscles will eventually stop cooperating. Then you’ll panic & try & eat even less to compensate for not being able to work your ass off (simply a figure of speech, since you’re not losing any weight, of course). By then you can’t eat less though. You’re barely eating enough to stay alive as it is. & you can’t stop. It isn’t working & you still can’t stop. & whether its working or not, you won’t see the truth. You’ll never actually know what you look like. Nope…no matter what you’ll think you must weigh at least four hundred pounds. This is true if you weigh 150 or if you weigh 70. You will be fat. Insane is the proper term for it, isn’t it? Yes, you might just be one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that doesn’t lose weight.But don’t sit there & think that means you won’t be sick. Not true…not true at all. Your skin & hair will be dry, your teeth sore, your period gone, your bones aching, your muscles cramping…well, no need to go on. You still want this, of course. After all, you won’t be like that. You won’t be one of the failures. You’ll be successful; you’ll be thin & perfect. Beautiful.

Well, since you’re going to win, why don’t I tell you about your prize, hmm?? It’s quite nice. You will be skinny. You will be sickly thin. Your ribs will stand out & your hipbones will be sharp. You won’t see it. You’ll look in the mirror & see fat. You’ll see rolls. You’ll look at girls who weight fifty pounds more than you & wonder why you can’t be as thin as they are. You’ll look in the mirror everyday & swear that you’ve gained at least ten pounds. Other people will see you shrink but you won’t get to watch. You’ll never see the truth. Others will though. You’ll be sickly skinny…but you won’t be pretty. & they’ll all see that. You won’t though…you’ll be too busy staring at your ass & wondering when you turned into your fat Aunt. You will not be attractive. You won’t. You’ll have huge dark circles. Your skin will be pasty pale & have a lovely gray tint to it. Makeup will NOT help this. It won’t, so don’t think it will. Don’t even bother to attempt it. You’ll be wasting your time; time that could be better spent doing your usual pastime, staring into the pantry to watch the food. Of course, people might not notice that you’re gray. They could be too busy staring at the dark black, blue, & purple spots you’re covered in. Everything you do will result in a bruise. Everything.

Do you have pretty hair? You won’t anymore. It will be straw dry & dull. It will not shine. Think conditioner will help? It won’t. It won’t & there’s no sense in trying it. It might soften your hair for a while (after you use half the bottle, of course) but it won’t make your hair look any better. Buy a ponytail holder. You’ll need it. You’ll probably be wearing it all the time. You’ll also need some hair dye. I sincerely hope your hair isn’t a nice color….because it won’t be soon. Yes…the color of your hair will fade out. You might even get grays. But gray is a nice color, isn’t it?especially being at the young age of 21 like myself.  I rather like it. I think the grayish brown color where my natural brown and blonde highlights used to be adds a bit of…oh…dignity to my look.

Speaking of hair, do you like facial hair? I hope so. You’ll have it. I have some lovely sideburns. Quite gorgeous. Actually, I have sexy hair everywhere. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. It’s hot. All the guys love it and all the girls I know ask how to get some. They’re jealous, you know. I tell them how I got it, starving. They never attempt it…I know why though. Its not because they’re smart & healthy…no, no. Its because they’re weak. Not strong like me. Of course, my muscles are deteriorating as we speak & I can no longer use even my five pound weights or walk up a set of stairs. but I’m still strong, aren’t I? Yes…because I don’t eat. & that’s true strength, isn’t it? Denying yourself the basic fuel you need for life. Yup…strong & smart.

I bet you’re one of those girls with the enviable natural nails. Those shiny ones that are so long people sometimes think they’re fake? Cut them. Go ahead & cut them off now. They’ll only break soon anyway or peel in layers.

Kiss your newly gray hair goodbye too. It’ll be falling out about now. You get to clean the drain about 6 times during your shower, just so the water will go down.

Also, you’ll need to find a way to throw away your tampons to make it look as if you’ve been using them. Remember to tell your mom to buy you tampons once a month. Can’t have her knowing you lost your period. & you will. I hope you’re not having sex because you’ll never know if you’re pregnant or not. I guess you can just take a test every few weeks. & yes…you can still get pregnant. I hope you don’t love the baby though, because chances are you’ll lose it. It would probably be for the best if you did though because of the nice birth defects caused by eating disorders. So, you might get to live with the knowledge that your child died or had to go through life with a terrible disability because of you…but it was worth it for thinness right?  A small price to pay for perfection, even though you’re not the one paying it. Who needs their full mental capabilities anyway? I hope your kid doesn’t. But that might not be a problem. You might never have children. You might become infertile. Oh well…pregnancy makes you fat anyway.

Since you’re one of the special ones, one of the anorexic ones, I’ll bet you enjoy ice water. Pour it out. Drink plain water, warm diet coke. It hurts too badly to drink iced drinks. You’re taking sensitive teeth to a new level. Forget those special toothpastes though. They don’t work when your teeth are slowly dying from vitamin deficiencies. Never liked those teeth anyway. Dentures are nice.

How do you like to sit? Oh…you like your legs crossed? Hmm…too bad. Can’t do that anymore. Your legs will fall asleep all the way up to your hips. Painfully asleep. This isn’t like what you’re used to, that tingly feeling. This hurts. A word of advice. After uncrossing them, just sit there. Don’t try moving them or hitting them to wake them up. Bad idea…very painful. Don’t stand up either, unless you enjoy collapsing. Or are you like one of those dancers like me who absolutely loves the floor? Well you won't anymore. Sitting on the floor in any position becomes intolerably painful. Because your so wonderfully thin your bones poke out in every way digging into the hard ground. And if you can somehow manage to withstand the pain you'll develop lovely bruises up and down your spine, your sit bones, or any other bone lying on the floor.

Fainting is common too. & don’t think this is something you can hide. Whenever you pass out dead in the living room in front of your family or friends they’ll wonder why…and unless they’re complete idiots they’ll probably know why…especially if you’re 30 pounds underweight. Get ready for nagging. Eat this, eat that, why are you doing this to yourself??

You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds…why would you want to do that, do you ask? Because of the leg cramps, of course…oh! I must’ve forgotten to mention those! Oooh…the cramps are nice. Your muscles are balled into excruciating knots. You’ll double over to massage the knots out and…what? There are no knots. There IS no rubbing the knots out because there are no knots. It just feels like it. There’s nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not to scream. & trust me…you’ll want to. Of course, you could always rub your legs anyway…it might make you feel better to pretend there’s something you can do to help them. But you might not be thinking about your legs…you might be distracted by the headaches. Take some aspirin…oooh…or don’t. Your tummy’s too empty; it’ll only make you throw up everywhere.

It’s worth it right? Anything’s worth it, even your hair, nails, bones, muscles, possible children, your family’s heart, everything. Sacrifice it all, throw it all away. You’re thin now, that’s what counts, even though you don’t know it.

You’ll probably get chest pains. Maybe heart flutters. This is scary too, because you never wanted to die, you just wanted to be thin. But remember, you can’t tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is weak.

Do you have problems with depression? You do now. The less you eat the more depressed you become. Partially from vitamin deficiencies, partially from your lovely eating disorder. Do you have problems with insomnia? That’s right, you’ve got that now too. You’re exhausted beyond belief but you still can’t fall asleep…& when you do you can’t stay asleep. Who needs sleep though?? Not you. Staying awake burns more calories anyway.

Do you do well in school? You don’t now. You can’t concentrate. Your mind won’t function, & the only thing you can actually think about is food anyway. Your grades will fall. Want to recover? You’ll probably have to leave school. How does repeating a grade sound?

Do you like going out with friends? You won’t for long. You’ll be afraid someone might notice how obese you are. You can’t leave the house now without hiding under tons of clothes…you’re terrified someone might see your repulsive body. You’ll become more nervous too. Jittery. You’ll also have difficulty talking. Oh…have you never had a stuttering problem? Well, you do now. You also forget what you wanted to say alot. Goodbye memory. And you can’t go out with friends anyway, so I guess it’s a good thing you no longer enjoy it. If you go out with friends they might want to eat! Maybe they’ll want to go to a restaurant or the movies. How can you explain that you don’t want any popcorn? How can you find an excuse for sitting there at the table sipping Diet Dr. Pepper or nibbling a salad & water while everyone else has cheeseburgers?? You can’t. & they might make you eat. You can’t do that…no. But why do they want you to eat? Is it because they care? No. Its because they WANT you to be fat!! How dare they?? They’re jealous…that’s it, they’re jealous. Soon you’ll realize something. Everyone wants you to be fat. Your parents, your siblings, teachers, friends. The world is against you & they all want you to spiral into morbid obesity. Get away from them. All of them. They don’t understand & they’re plotting your downfall. You can’t have that, you can’t lose this. Every time someone urges you to eat or recover “for your health” you know the truth. They hate you & want you to be fat. Push them away. Push away all the people who love you. That’s the only way you’ll ever be thin.

But one day this will be over. One day you will either die or recover. Death is easier. First you’ll have to admit you need help (that is, on the chance that you haven’t been forced into recovery…recovery that will not work until you cooperate). This is one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. Maybe you’ll tell your mom. She might be wonderfully supportive, she might’ve already known. Or maybe she won’t think you have a real problem. Then you’re on your own. Maybe you’ll tell your doctor. & if you tell your mom, she’ll take you to a doctor. Then its better. You’re safe now, they’ll help you. They’ll understand. Wrong. A degree is not an insurance against ignorance. & speaking of insurance, it only pays so much on mental health problems. And ED treatment costs are outrageous. So, even if you find a doctor that knows his ass from a hole in the ground you might not be able to get help. You might not be able to afford it.

As you recover, your school might have to know. Your teachers will not understand. Students might find out. They won’t understand either. Their comments will hurt, you’ll want to scream when they ask why you don’t just eat. They might call you fat just for fun. Someone might start to admire you & try to become anorexic too…but then, you’ve been there. You wanted to be anorexic once & you never realized how stupid you were. You know it now, but it’s too late. Its too late & you have to fight this or die…& fighting it is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You’ll put food in your mouth, that disgusting, terrible food & panic & want to cry. Maybe you will cry. Maybe you’ll freak & spit it back out. Maybe you’ll refuse to eat & get a lovely feeding tube. Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you’ll fight & fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating disorder.

After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you’d die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you’ve eaten right for months & months your body still isn’t the same. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won’t. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you’ll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You’ll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you’ll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you’ll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You’ll see an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you’ll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. I’m not talking about the physical pain. That’s the only pain I described, because it’s the only part that’s describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It’s unimaginable. You’ll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation…

WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that you’re still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is it beauty? Do you honestly think you won’t be like this?? Do you honestly think malnutrition won’t steal your looks? Is it glamour? READ THIS. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you’ll NEVER be more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You don’t control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don’t even control your thoughts. You have NO control. None.

Do you honestly think that you’ll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop??? Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop?? WRONG! It doesn’t work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There’s nothing beautiful about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a hell of alot better ways to get it.


Do you want to look at your family’s faces & know that you’re killing them too? Imagine watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness, imagine KNOWING that they’re dying & KNOWING that there’s NOTHING that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you’ll come home to find them dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course, while you’re starving yourself you won’t see that anguish. You won’t be able to. You can’t see anything, you’re too self absorbed. You’re too busy thinking about your weight, about food. You’ll see it when you recover though & you’ll hate yourself for doing that to the ones you love. You’ll wish there was something you could do to erase it but there is nothing. You just have to live with it…& living with it is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to save your life. You’ll hate yourself.

But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now. Because you’ve likely just signed your own death warrant…& you likely don’t even care…yet. But you will. You will care. You will care & you will cry & rage & swear you’d give anything to take it all back. But it’s too late, because by the time you’re in deep enough to care, you’re already dying. Its too late to snap out of it now, no matter how much you want to.

This is the reality of anorexia. It is nothing like the powerful articles you read on how so & so overcame it. It is nothing like the beauty you see when you look at that thin model. It is nothing like that beautiful popular girl who naturally weighs 80lbs. It is nothing like anything you’ve ever lived before & you will never be the same

This will not make you happy.

You can't always see the pain someone feels

As many of you know by now, robin Williams a beloved actor and comedian passed at the age of 63. The shocking cause - suicide. 

Many are baffled by the cause of death. How could someone so successful and bright possibly intentionally kill themselves? It doesn't seem right or accurate.

The hard cold truth - depression does not discriminate. It never has and never will. The other truth is that most people with depression are able to hide their pain very well. They don't want to bring others down with them, they want to seem like they have it all together. 

We bottle the pain in day in and day out hoping it will magically disappear. The reality? There are only two ways to escape the pain asking for help and death. Sadly, to many people chose the 2nd option. Why? Well I have a theory. 

No body wants to admit their depressed or something is wrong with them. But when they do the often question we receive is "why?" " just snap out of it, your life isn't that bad, people have it way worse off than you do ." 

This may be accurate that our lives aren't all that bad, but for most people this feeling is out of their  control. The depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in their brain. Telling peole these things doesn't help, it often makes matters worse. They continue to stuff their feelings until they reach their breaking point, and often times by then it is too late. 

I can't count how many times I've heard this from people, well the people I let in. From the outside know one would have ever guessed I struggle with depression and suicudal thoughts on a daily basis. I wake up every morning throw on my plastered on smile and go about my day. While deep Down it's a struggle to even get out of bed. Know one knew I cut myself to feel relief. Know one knows I tried commiting  suicude 5 times. All because my life is seen as ok. Just because I'm not homeless or have cancer or am an orphan everything must be all dandy and fine. 

People don't realize until it's too late. Until they hear about that quiet girl in the back of the classroom that hung herself. Or the boy who cut too deep. Or the lady who took a whole bottle of klonopin. It leaves people shocked and full of questions and saying "I never would have guessed."

You cant always see or feel the pain someone is going through.

I suggest by this Tragedy people educate them selves on depression and mental illness. And because you don't struggle with it doesn't make you a better person. It gives you the chance to reach out and help. Sometimes all it takes is to know your not alone. 

I am trying.

"Don't do that. Don't tell me I'm not trying. I swam through 12 oceans and drowned in every single one of them. But each time the water seeped into my lungs and the fish started swimming in my bloodstream I spat it all up and kept swimming. I am not a life raft I will not pop in the middle of the ocean. I AM A DAMN SHIP, and I promise I will make it to the shore, ALIVE." 

So today I found out some disturbing news. I am not allowed back at rosewood. And I didn't find out in the most appropriate way. I was sent via ambulance to the hospital from there for passing out Nd being unconcious for a period of time. Found out a lot of it had nothing to do with the anorexia. Yesterday a driver from rosewood comes to drop off my belongings which is a statement  in itself that I am not welcome back. Got the confirmation today that this is Infact true. I am " too unstable." I won't deny that at first I was devastated. But now I am in the acceptance mode. It's time to start a new chapter. Just because a treatment center gave up on me doesn't mean I have to give up on myself. This quote greatly spoke to me. I've drowned so many times and maybe I still am but I'm still doing the doggy paddle and will keep on keeping on. I will persevere and keep trying. I've come to far to throw it all away all because a company did that to me. I will rise to the occasion and conquer and maybe rub it in their faces after ;) 

So what's the next step? Once medically stable probably heading home to New Hampshire. To start a new chapter of my life. 

Everyone keep on keeping on with me :) 

what recovery from an eating disorder feels like

it feels like someone is sawing your insides out and stealing your identity.

everything that is second nature to you is unexpectingly frowned upon and you are seen as a "wrong person" you want to starve and are addicted to the feeling of hunger that knaws away at your stomach.  Food is still seen and may always be seen as the enemy.  every meal is like world war three. the thing is, its a battle with yourself. its a war that you sometimes want to win so bad yet its to difficult almost every day.

you're alone in this world, alone in your head, and alone in your heart. they dont understand why a simple task of putting even just a remorse amount of food to your lips is so dreadfully difficult to do. everyone just says "JUST EAT," you think in your head, "if only it where that easy, id be recovered by now."

you miss the things that you used to enjoy in life. your eating disorder stole all passions and energy and now that your in recovery, that becomes your full time job.a job where your manager is abusive. a job you hate.

you start to gain weight and people tell you how much "better you look, or you look healthy." they dont get it they dont understand that in your mind healthy equals fat. clothes actually start to fit and are not loosely hanging off your protuding bones. eventually you have to go up a few sizes. you arent excited that you can now where clothing other than children clothing. instead you are horrified, mortified and filled with so much self hatred. being a "normal" size sucks. you're not used to it. you are not now known as the shockingly skinny girl, you no longer have that ONE thing you're good at, that makes you unique.

you wonder why your mind doesnt understand that sometimes being normal is healthy and great. you learn that starving yourself to death is not unique or admirable. while in the store instead of purchasing clothes that fit, you buy clothes that you could swim in just to hide your new uncomfortable body.

you are now expected to find a new thing in life to strive for. for so many years your life and purpose was dedicated to starving and being the skinniest i could be, now that starving isnt an option, you have to decide and aim for and are passionate about.

you may slip up, skip a meal or snack. maybe exercise to much or puke up your food. but the expecatation is too get up and start eating again. your biggest fear yet also what you crave is that you'll go crawling back to the arms of the eating disorder. you want nothing more but to be thin and what your body looked like before recovery. sometimes you wish slipping back was an option but you know it cannot be and any time you entertain the idea, the eating disorder gets louder. and you know that every meal you miss makes you a failure..

even though you are trying to recover when people ask you where you want to be 5 or 10 years from now the answer is dead. life is so painful. especially when you have to eat. the whole thing doesnt faze you at all. maybe youve even attempted a time or few. if you die thats okay, at least you'll die thin.

 no matter how many times you slip up or want to give up, deep down you know you cant because you have to be a fighter. you fight for those good days that everyone tells you will happen and the amazing person that can shine through. and when you cant do it for yourself, you fight for someone else that you love and care for!

misconceptions of ED

well i  posted a status on facebook asking people what a good blog topic would be. one response was misconceptions of ED. my first thought was dang i could go on forever with that one. society has formed so many lies and stereotypes around people diagnosed with eating disorders. then again if you think, people thrive off of gossip.

the misconceptions go from the way a person with an eating disorder should look too what an eating disorder specifically is.

here are some myths

1) eating disorders are not serious; they are a "lifestyle or choice
                      TRUTH eating disorders are a serious and life threatening mental illness. and they definatly arent a diet gone "too far." many people think we can just "snap out of it" but no we dont choose too be like this. I cant tell you how many times i have cried out for this to be taken away or gone back in time and stopped this eating disorder from ever starting.

2) eating disorders are a cry for attention
       TRUTH in fact many people try to hide their eating disorders for as  long as possible. they try to disguise and deny their behavior. or they may not even believe that there is anything wrong.  for me my eating disorder was far from attention, it was and is the opposite. i wanted to shrink away to nothing and disappear from the world because i didnt feel worthy enough. worthy of what you ask? Love, acceptance, just being alive and breathing air. so no i dont starve myself for attention

3)you can tell if someone has an eating disorder by looking at them
     TRUTH people with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. a lot of people think you need to look like a walking skeleton and be 60 pounds in order to have an eating disorder. sadly i have known people who have died at healthy weights and even overweight from the damage they have done to their bodies. you cant always tell the pain someone is feeling just by looking at them. people engage in behaviors at all weights.  eating disorders come in one size---miserable. did you know people wont seek help or treatment because of this silly misconception? they're embarassed and believe they're too fat for help which ends up costing them their lives.

4)eating disorders are caused by the media
   TRUTH many people are exposed to the media and altered images on a daily basis and only a small percentage actually have eating disorders. eating disoders have biological, genetic and psychological underpinnings. of course the media doesnt help the situation at all but they are by no means the cause of eating disorders. although i so badly wish theyd get off their damn weight loss streaking on the news.

5) someone can chose to stop having an eating disorder
  TRUTH Someone can make the choice to pursue recovery, but the act of recovery itself is a lot of hard work and involves more than simply deciding to not act on symptoms. In most cases, the eating disorder has become a person’s primary way of coping with intense emotions and difficult life events . for me my ed became all i knew it was my life. what i woke up to every morning, my last thought before ffalling asleep it haunts me every moment of my life. i WISH i could just throw it in the trash can, but it takes a hell of a lot more than that and its scary work.

6)Anorexia is about vanity. If a person with anorexia says, ‘I feel fat,’ it is just to get compliments.
   TRUTH People with anorexia experience a real distortion in their body image. This is one of the symptoms of the illness. Often, a person with anorexia will view his or her body very differently than we view it. Described as looking in a “fun-house mirror,” the self-perceptions of people with anorexia are not an accurate reflection of their true body weight and shape. even when i got to the dangerously low weight of 93 pounds at the height of 5'9" i still saw myself as fat and i cant even begin to describe the amount of SELF HATRED i experience on  a daily basis.

7) Anorexia is all about control.
truth There is some truth to this statement, but it is important to clear up any misconceptions surrounding the idea of control and eating disorders. A person with anorexia may feel that he or she has been unable to effect change in certain aspects of life or may feel unable to control the unfolding of certain life events. He or she may instead attempt to control food intake as a way of having mastery over one area of life. For some patients, anorexia serves as a complex distraction from other painful, seemingly unmanageable feelings or events. A person with an eating disorder does not know of another way to cope, but most would change this if they could.

8)An Eating Disorder Will Be Completely Cured After Treatment
   TRUTH People go into treatment and become weight stabilized. Physically they're in a safe place, but they're not in a safe mental state. There are still underlying emotional issues. It's completely about the food and completely not about food. People may be weight restored, but they may not be completely emotionally restored.

9) anorexics never eat
  TRUTH
Someone with anorexia will deny themselves food while they may actually feel extremely hungry but its not accurate that they never eat. they deny themselves to such low caloric levels that it puts their bodies into starvation mode. some may munch on veggies and low calorie things to curb their appetite.

10)
Eating disorders only affect girls and young women
     TRUTH Although statistics show that eating disorders  affects young women, it is thought that the figures underestimate the number of men who have eating disorders.
Official figures show that one in ten of people diagnosed with anorexia are males. and the numbers are increasing at an alarming rate. i have been in treatment with several men who suffer from eating disorders.

my biggest point from this post...dont assume, educate yourself. dont hurt someone because of your ignorance or lack of knowledge.


            

Beginning of my book

Okay so I don't know if many of you know but I have been writing a book and I thought I'd share with you the introduction. 

IMPRISONED BY THE SCALE ( please no copy writing ) 

The voice of anorexia

Starve starve burn it all off

Watch the calories burn and the

Scale number fall

Be braver, be stronger 

Suck in that stomach and 

Stand up straigh

Throw up all your food and 

When I tell you to "run" don't you hesitate!

This is the voice in my head I have lived with for half, or maybe even more than half of my life. Sometimes, she even haunts me in my dreams or should I say nightmares. Her name is anorexia, or this is what she is called by the so called "doctors." But I call her Ana. She is like a best friend. Well that is what I thought for many years until I realized she was slowly killing me. Pulling me down so low i am held captive. She makes me feel like a prisoner in my own body. But she doesn't care because that is what she desires. She is not only destroying my body, but my mind. I try to ignore her. I thought she would make me prettier, better, smarter, thinner, happier, accepted, loved, and so much more. But no, she made my life a mess. The only thing I had gotten was thinner. It wasn't even an appealing thin. It was disgustingly repulsive thin. But I didn't see this I saw fat. What kind of best friend treats you like that? She is a bully so forceful and strong and has been with me far too long so no longer my best friend she will be. 

eating disorder awareness month -Februray

every year in the month of Februray it is eating disorder awareness month. . every year i always tell myself "hey next year i'll be recovered." "next year will be the year i can look back and say how far i've come." well i guess this year is not the year.

i mean i guess i can say i have made baby steps in places hear and there but i dont know. i want to be the girl that is the inspiration...will that ever be me????

i recently auditioned for americas got talent. i wont find out for 2-4 weeks if i actually made it. but i told my story and the driving force that actually pushed me to go was not because i wanted to become big and famous. i mean yea sure that had a little part, but i wanted to be known so i can help other girls in the spot that i am in. but we will see what God's will is for me

here is a collage i made for EDA week....

breaking free, 6 months later

i roll in onto the unit and hear the doors slam behind me and lock into place. i am in nothing but a tank top and shorts. i am comfortable for the most part except for the natural coldness i get from having an eating disorder.

6 months later. i walk out those same locked doors in jeans, boots and a winter jacket. did i really just waste half of my year in a locked psychiatric unit....yes, yes i did.

you see when you fall into those steps of an eating disorder, theres no manual or warning sign telling you everything and anything that can go wrong. actually to be quite honest back at the naieve age of 10-12  i didnt even know what an eating disorder was never mind that i was developing one.

so yes for you people who cant decifer what i am staying i was locked on the psyc side this time for 6 months, for my anorexia but some other serious thing started rearing its ugly head into the scenario...as if an eating disorder isn't enough to deal with right?

the big taboo word no one likes to say....SUICIDE. yes my friends i became extremely sucidial, attempted a few times in a ways that are unnecessary to disclose....why may you ask? one major word....hopelessness.

the feeling that things, life in particular will never get better you'll always have the life of a patient or worse you'lll always be tormented by those damn eating disorder thoughts.

there where  a few times i was put on a 1:1 where someone litteraly followed me around because i refused to remain safe. there where nights of me just crying and alot of the time hiding during those spells. i didnt want the world to see me.

you may think since i am discharged i am doing great. well maybe you should think again. i struggle with my thoughts constantly, my life ending is always in the back of my mind, sometimes more prominent then others. how do you move on? the eating disorder doesnt feel better i am on a slippery slope. but what if i did do it....i would be such a hypocrit, telling people to hold on and throwing advice left and right. i guess when your in your own shoes it feels  a whole lot different.

i just have to TRY and hold on and ignore the demons in my head....