Dear Donald Trump
I generally like to keep quiet about things pertaining to politics.
Politics tend to bring out the ugly in people. Causes people to say
things they most likely normally would not say. But this latest
statement that Donald Trump made about banning Muslims from coming to
America has made me extremely angry. i would like to explain why if you
would give me the time to explain.
First of all, i would
like to state I AM A PROUD CHRISTIAN. And as a Christian, we are told to
love each other and not to judge. But before i get into this, let us
take a look into history.
Not to long ago, almost the same
exact thing was occurring in this country. Instead of being prejudice
towards Muslim's we were prejudice towards colored people. Back in the
1950's and 1960's, many places carried it even longer, colored people
were not allowed to interact with whites. Why? simply because of their
skin color which in fact was also created by God. So if you're a white
Christian, how is that Christian of you to claim that someone is lesser
than you simply because their skin is darker? the answer is, it's not
right and its not fair.
Colored people were forced to go
to separate restaurants, buses, movie theatre's, and couldn't even use
the same restrooms. they were forced to sit in the back of the bus and
were labeled as dangerous and gang members. How many of them were
actually dangerous? such a minuscule percentage, in fact more whites were
the assholes and dangerous because they were trying to hurt the colored
people. How is that freedom? how is that fair or compassionate? its
not.
THE SAME EXACT THING IS HAPPENING when you tries to ban Muslims. IF you take ONE look back at the shootings
that have occurred this year.... many of them were NOT caused by Muslims.
So banning Muslims is not going to fix the problem. In fact it is
making it worse and causing our country to become a place i don't want to
be a part of. Why would i want to be a part of a place that judges and
condemns based on someones religion? Saying ALL Muslims are terrorists
is like saying all Blacks are gang members or criminals. It is
incorrect, judgmental, and completely ridiculous.
God
is the only one who has the right to judge. In John 8:7 Jesus states
"He who is without sin may throw the first stone." Is anyone of us
without sin? The answer is No, and if you are ignorant enough to say
yes, than well I'm sorry for you. So none of us have the right to judge.
None of us have the right to kick people out of a country. When did our
country turn from Free, to "Free with conditions" ? it saddens and
sickens me.
I cannot imagine being God right now
looking down on this country and world that he created for us, because
he loves us so very much. He sent his one and only son to the world to save us from our sins. We are abusing this gift to the extreme. Jesus willingly died in the most unpleasant of ways to go. i cannot imagine the amount of torment and suffering he endured. He died willingly because he loves us so very much. His only wish was for us to glorify his name and show the same kind of love to one another that he shows to us. By banning a certain religion, this is not displaying what the Lord asks of us.
Also, another thing that upsets me is saying that our veterans are more deserving of health care and services than others. Yes i am grateful for the time they spent overseas, it was their own free will to do this though. I definitely do not have the bravery to perform this act of courage, but does this make me a lesser human being? I do receive disability and social security not because i am lazy or a criminal, but because i have a ligament illness that mentally and physically takes a hold on my body. i am almost afraid to state what this illness is because you seem to be so ignorant that you would make some judgemental comment.
I have struggled with severe Anorexia Nervosa since the age of 10 years old. i am now 22. It is a miracle that i am alive after all the damage my disease caused my body. I wont go into details because well that is not important. But you should know that Anorexia has the HIGHEST mortality rate of all mental illnesses and the mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher
than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females
15-24 years old. i am very much an over achiever and received perfect grades along with other astounding accomplishments. But even if i hadn't, i still am as worthy as any other human being. That drug addict on the street is no less than you, neither is that pregnant teen, or that troubled child or mentally ill adult. I think you are turning this country into something that the people who have hearts would not want to be a part of.
with that said, Muslims from or not from this country are not less than any other person and deserve to receive help and security.
sincerely,
Bekah- a concerned citizen
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Thanksgiving day for an anorexic
These past few weeks since November has begun, my anxiety
has greatly heightened. I keep asking myself why? What is so different? Then I remember…
Thanksgiving is not far away. To many people, Thanksgiving brings pleasant memories,
warmth, laughter, sharing, seeing family that you haven’t seen all year, and of
course stuffing their faces to their stomachs content. But when you struggle
with Anorexia Nervosa, Thanksgiving is probably the most dreaded day of the
year.
When I think of thanksgiving, I don’t think of positive
things. I don’t have any positive emotions, or any excitement. I feel dread,
anxiety, distress, depression, shame, guilt, fear, and many other emotions
along that spectrum.
I am not thinking about family time, and the people I’ve
missed. Nor am I thinking of joy and warmth. I am not even thinking about the
things I am grateful for. One thing is on my mind and one thing only; I AM
GOING TO GET FAT.
This fear is so extravagant that it keeps me from enjoying
anything about this joyous holiday. I am physically in the room, but mentally I
am far gone. I’ve entered the world of numbers. My brain becomes a human
calculator. Stuffing? 105. Mashed potatoes? 237. Pumpkin pie? 316. The other
number pops in my head…my weight and how much this would increase if I touched
any of that food to my lips. My anxiety has gone from 1 to 100 just by walking into
that room, never mind when it comes time to determine what I will place on my
plate.
We all sit down to the table, people are talking, laughing,
sharing stories. Me? I’ve become a shell of a human being. I am physically
there, but mentally I am in a living Hell called Anorexia. The Anorexia is
yelling at me the entire time. It’s like putting your headphones on and
listening to a record on repeat. Except this record isn’t so nice. This record
is screaming “YOU DON’T DESERVE TO EAT, YOU ARE FAT, YOU ARE A FAILURE, YOU ARE
DISGUSTING, YOU ARE UNLOVABLE, EVERYONE IS STARING AT HOW MUCH FATTER YOU ARE
THAN LAST YEAR, EVERYONE WILL JUDGE YOU NEGATIVELY IF YOU EAT, YOU ARE UGLY,
YOU ARE STUPID, YOU DESERVE TO DIE.” That is just a glimpse of some of the
obscene things it tells me.
Or maybe that thanksgiving day, I allow the fear to take the
better of me. I pretend that I am sick and stay home, all alone. I think this
will decrease my anxiety, and maybe in the immediate it does, but instead its
best friend grows stronger…depression. Depression likes to tell me how
worthless I am, and how none of those people wanted to see me anyways.
There really is no winning when it comes to this holiday.
The best we can do is just get through it. Breathe, and remember it is one day
of the year out of 365 more. I will survive, this eating disorder will not
define me, nor beat me.
To the friends and families of someone who is struggling
with anorexia, be patient please. You don’t understand the amount of courage
and strength it takes to sit at that large table.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
relationships after childhood sexual abuse
The title of this post may come as a shock to many of you who are following this page. I will just put it out in the open, blunt....yes, I was a victim of sexual abuse and rape multiple times in my young years. Years when I shouldn't have even known what sex and other things were. Years where playing with barbies and jumping hopscotch were going on. Unfortunately, most of my young years were robbed of pleasent memories. It has greatly effected me developing a healthy relationship with a man in my adult years.
When you learn of the things a man can do to you at such an unseasoned age, you pretty much create your sense of what any man is like, and how ANY man will treat you. I learned that they are strong, a lot stronger than me, both physically and mentally. I learned that what I wanted and needed clearly did not matter. I learned that I wasn't really a girl with feelings and morals, I was just an object. Just like the teddy bear laying on my bed. I could be picked up, beaten, hugged, and so much worse without a say from me. I learned that even fartherly figures were not safe, I learned that teenage boys were not safe, I basically learned that no man was safe.
The sexual abuse left scars, feelings of guilt, fear, shame, anger, high anxiety, and depression.
since my abuse which lasted about a total of 3-4 years, I have not learned how to form a healthy relationship with another boy. I started taking it to the extreme.
I withdrew from all social activity involved with men. It didn't matter if we were dating, he was still seen as a threat and I was seen as the target that could be attacked at any moment. I had no ability to feel any pleasure from kissing or holding hands and cuddling. The only thing it caused was severe anxiety to the point where I would disassociate. I also started to sabatoge relationships. The closer I got to someone, the more the trust issues reared it's ugly head and I would pull away emotionally and sexually. to me it was much easier to end the relationship than to deal with the past abuse that would pop up in my brain.
There were other times were I allowed men to verbally abuse me, in one relationship in particular I allowed the verbal abuse to go on for a year. I didnt think I deserved better, I was dirty, unclean, and worthless because that man at age 4 told me those things.
than I resorted to the Anorexia. I thought maybe if I made my body unattractive to men, I would be protected. The eating disorder was my armor and shield.I guess it still is.
So how do you get past that? How do you not let your memories dictate your future relationships? Well my friends, I think this is more of a question to you, because I know that I dont know the answer. Although I wish I did.
Why did this blog topic come up? you see I am in a new relationship with a man who treats me like I have never been treated before....with respect, love, kindness, and acceptance. It feels so good but so wrong at the same time because I have never been treated this well my a male. I already have the fears of when the relationship goes further and these things and questions pop up about sexual things. I dont want to run away from him because I really love him and he gets me and I get him. But will my shame from the past allow me to ? can i escape those paralyzing memories and move forward? How do you just forget something that was wrongfully taken away from you at such a tender age? can you?
the truth is i am terrified. Actually i don't even think terrified covers it. But i am also curious, and a bit hopeful that maybe finally I can have a normal relationship that will develop into a marriage down the line and start my own family, which has always been a dream of mine. all i can do at this point is pray, ask God to take away the feelings of shame and self hate, because i know he does not want me to feel these. I need to pray for trust, to trust this amazing man and trust that God is always my protector and will not let me down. But this is easier said than done. i still want to save myself for marriage. and i hope its still considered saving myself. so many questions, so little answers.
When you learn of the things a man can do to you at such an unseasoned age, you pretty much create your sense of what any man is like, and how ANY man will treat you. I learned that they are strong, a lot stronger than me, both physically and mentally. I learned that what I wanted and needed clearly did not matter. I learned that I wasn't really a girl with feelings and morals, I was just an object. Just like the teddy bear laying on my bed. I could be picked up, beaten, hugged, and so much worse without a say from me. I learned that even fartherly figures were not safe, I learned that teenage boys were not safe, I basically learned that no man was safe.
The sexual abuse left scars, feelings of guilt, fear, shame, anger, high anxiety, and depression.
since my abuse which lasted about a total of 3-4 years, I have not learned how to form a healthy relationship with another boy. I started taking it to the extreme.
I withdrew from all social activity involved with men. It didn't matter if we were dating, he was still seen as a threat and I was seen as the target that could be attacked at any moment. I had no ability to feel any pleasure from kissing or holding hands and cuddling. The only thing it caused was severe anxiety to the point where I would disassociate. I also started to sabatoge relationships. The closer I got to someone, the more the trust issues reared it's ugly head and I would pull away emotionally and sexually. to me it was much easier to end the relationship than to deal with the past abuse that would pop up in my brain.
There were other times were I allowed men to verbally abuse me, in one relationship in particular I allowed the verbal abuse to go on for a year. I didnt think I deserved better, I was dirty, unclean, and worthless because that man at age 4 told me those things.
than I resorted to the Anorexia. I thought maybe if I made my body unattractive to men, I would be protected. The eating disorder was my armor and shield.I guess it still is.
So how do you get past that? How do you not let your memories dictate your future relationships? Well my friends, I think this is more of a question to you, because I know that I dont know the answer. Although I wish I did.
Why did this blog topic come up? you see I am in a new relationship with a man who treats me like I have never been treated before....with respect, love, kindness, and acceptance. It feels so good but so wrong at the same time because I have never been treated this well my a male. I already have the fears of when the relationship goes further and these things and questions pop up about sexual things. I dont want to run away from him because I really love him and he gets me and I get him. But will my shame from the past allow me to ? can i escape those paralyzing memories and move forward? How do you just forget something that was wrongfully taken away from you at such a tender age? can you?
the truth is i am terrified. Actually i don't even think terrified covers it. But i am also curious, and a bit hopeful that maybe finally I can have a normal relationship that will develop into a marriage down the line and start my own family, which has always been a dream of mine. all i can do at this point is pray, ask God to take away the feelings of shame and self hate, because i know he does not want me to feel these. I need to pray for trust, to trust this amazing man and trust that God is always my protector and will not let me down. But this is easier said than done. i still want to save myself for marriage. and i hope its still considered saving myself. so many questions, so little answers.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
this is halloween, halloween, halloween...everyone SCREAM
For as long as I can remember, I can never recall ONCE every being excited for Halloween, or enjoying it. Now i am sure most of you are thinking "well DUH bekah, you have a severe eating disorder and Halloween has a lot to do with consuming candy." OK, well I cannot deny that this is a huge part of it, but not the largest part of the picture.
Growing up, I was always told, or passively told, that it wasn't OK to be who I was naturally. It wasn't OK to show if I nwas angry or sad, it wasn't okay to have needs and wants. I was expected to be like one of those beautiful porcelain dolls that you see on a shelf. Just beautiful, happy, and perfect in every way. I was taught to be seen, not heard. I was taught the only way to achieve love and acceptance was by being perfect. Getting the perfect grades, the perfect friends, the perfect dancer, just a perfect girl in general. Which basically was being someone I was not. Because deep down, I think we all know that it is impossible to be perfect all of the time. But I strived my hardest to achieve that persona.
You see, Halloween has turned into this great excitement to be someone you're not. To me it teaches little kids it's not OK to be who you are, that it is more fun, and exciting to be someone or something else. Being taught this has become one of the most deadliest lessons in my life. Being taught that I wasn't okay as who I was is one of the biggest contributors to my anorexia. I thought maybe if I lost enough weight and looked different, looked pretty, looked attractive, than maybe I would be loved. Just like those naive innocent girls wanting to be princesses for Halloween, because deep down, those girls have learned that being a princess is the best thing any little girl can be in life. When in reality, being themselves is the best thing they can be in life. I think we need to start teaching our children that being yourself is OK. Its OK to have wants and needs, it''s okay to have feelings, it;'s okay to be as how God created you.
Ghosts, witches, zombies, and monsters are not the scariest things to me on Halloween. The most terrifying thing to me, is seeing children pretending to be who they're not and adults congratulating it.
Growing up, I was always told, or passively told, that it wasn't OK to be who I was naturally. It wasn't OK to show if I nwas angry or sad, it wasn't okay to have needs and wants. I was expected to be like one of those beautiful porcelain dolls that you see on a shelf. Just beautiful, happy, and perfect in every way. I was taught to be seen, not heard. I was taught the only way to achieve love and acceptance was by being perfect. Getting the perfect grades, the perfect friends, the perfect dancer, just a perfect girl in general. Which basically was being someone I was not. Because deep down, I think we all know that it is impossible to be perfect all of the time. But I strived my hardest to achieve that persona.
You see, Halloween has turned into this great excitement to be someone you're not. To me it teaches little kids it's not OK to be who you are, that it is more fun, and exciting to be someone or something else. Being taught this has become one of the most deadliest lessons in my life. Being taught that I wasn't okay as who I was is one of the biggest contributors to my anorexia. I thought maybe if I lost enough weight and looked different, looked pretty, looked attractive, than maybe I would be loved. Just like those naive innocent girls wanting to be princesses for Halloween, because deep down, those girls have learned that being a princess is the best thing any little girl can be in life. When in reality, being themselves is the best thing they can be in life. I think we need to start teaching our children that being yourself is OK. Its OK to have wants and needs, it''s okay to have feelings, it;'s okay to be as how God created you.
Ghosts, witches, zombies, and monsters are not the scariest things to me on Halloween. The most terrifying thing to me, is seeing children pretending to be who they're not and adults congratulating it.
Monday, September 21, 2015
"love your laxative" commerical...REALLY!?!
it is almost 1am and i should be sound asleep as i have a busy day tomorrow with two of my favorite kids at work. Instead insomnia decides to strike once again. so i decide to take the time to be productive and pick back up on my book i am writing.
I leave the TV on for background noise when i am pulled out of a strong focus by a miraLAX
commercial. I loudly hear the deadly words "love your laxative." I instantly want to scream and yell at the TV, and the company of miraLAX. Love my my laxative? LOVE MY LAXATIVE? you mean those drugs that destroyed my digestive system? you mean those drugs that depleted me of so much potassium i was thrown into cardiac arrest? you mean those drugs that caused me to NEVER be able to have another bowel movement on my own? OH you're talking about those drugs that caused me such excruciating stomach pain that i felt like my stomach was being ripped out of my own body. hmm, OK i guess i could love them. NOT!
i am aware that many people, companies, and organizations are unaware of how common and damaging eating disorders are. although they should be considering they have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. and yes, myself has struggled with severe Anorexia Nervosa for over half of my life. The fact that this commercial has me completely enraged is because of how ignorant and blind these people are to the damaging effects of laxatives and that fact that they are heavily abused by most people who struggle with eating disorders. this commercial made it seem like a safe and side-effect free way of having a normal system. this is all lies. lies lies and more lies a company wants you to believe so that you buy THEIR product. yes i would agree that miraLAX is the lesser damaging laxative due to the kind of laxative it is. but this laxative can still be abused. and if abused, can have fatalities.
At the young age of 16 i discovered laxatives. i didn't use laxatives just because i was constipated (which i was) but i used laxatives to lose weight. a common eating disordered behavior is abusing laxatives to lower your weight. Over the years it has been proven that laxatives don't cause you to lose legitimate weight, it is all fluid weight. despite knowing that, i continued to take sickly amounts of them. i didn't care what caused that number on the scale to go down, just as long as it went down and i could feel that high from seeing the number decrease.
as my obsession with taking laxatives increased. so did the amount i needed to take in order for them to have an effect. my body started to build up a tolerance. i guess kind of like the body builds up a tolerance to the amount of drugs or alcohol someone can take. there where nights where i had to consume more than a package of laxatives to have any kind of effect. sure i would have a bowel movement, or a few. but you know what else occurred with this abuse? terrifying side effects. stomach pain so bad i would have rather been dead. blood in my stools caused from internal bleeding/ulcers. fainting causing injury from dehydration caused by the laxative abuse. low potassium, magnesium, sodium, and other electrolytes caused from the dehydration from laxatives, and when these electrolytes get low enough, you can have a heart attack at ANY moment. heart arrhythmia's. muscle aches and pains. my biggest annoyance.....not being able to live a normal life. i would leave each class in high school three or more times to go to the bathroom. teach others questioned me, peers stared at me. i should have just worn a diaper. oh, and i cant forget the times i actually crapped my pants.
i am pleased to say that now i no longer abuse laxatives. it took me a long 7 years to stop this habit, and 7 years too late. my body has already suffered the consequences from this addicting behavior. i am only 22 years old and i will NEVER be able to have a bowel movement on my own. i will always need some aid, so i can never fully cut laxatives out of my life. i have constant bloating and abdominal pain from not being able to go. the reason i cannot go is because my muscles are now too weak, and don't know how to function without getting stimulated by a laxative. i was threatened with a colostomy bag at the age of 18, EIGHTEEN! and that threat is still not completely gone and probably never will be.
so no miraLAX, i do not agree with you. i do not agree that it is OK to "love your laxative." because laxatives can cause many damaging physical and mental effects. i think its OK to "love to go to the bathroom" because ultimately that is all that we want. No one wants to be bond to a laxative, nor should one romanticize about one. so i am greatly hurt by your commercial is more ways than one and i do plan on writing a letter to the company about the damaging effects of this commercial.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
My views on the diet industry and new craze "it works"
Now I know I have many followers who sell these products and I want you to know this is NOT I repeat NOT to bash you. I am simply sharing my views in my blog. If you really do not like what i post than feel free to unfollow me.
Body wraps may work. But coming from a woman who has struggled with Anorexia and body dysmorphic disorder for over half her life, they also work to promote body anxiety, body hate, and unreal Ideals of what a woman's body should look like.
Instead of us uniting with women as more than bodies to be looked at, fixed and judged, why are so many of us preying on each others' insecurities by selling objectifying, unrealistic ideals to our social media contacts? Ladies, we need to me more kind and compassionate to each other. In this current day and age, unattainable and degrading beauty ideals are engulfing social media from women in multi-level marketing companies selling beauty and diet products to their friends, family, co-workers, and even acquaintances online. The marketing of "skinny wraps" is an especially dangerous trend because these messages penetrate our social networking feeds informing us about our "flaws" by our own peers.
If you are selling body wraps, skin contouring creams, fat burning pills, or anything in these realms so you can "eat what you want!" Or hosting "wrap parties" and persuading people to magically melt away inches, PLEASE consider the influence you may be having.
Please consider the enormous number of girls and women fighting or recovering from all types of debilitating eating disorders, who are VERY likely some of your facebook friends, blog followers, instagram or twitter followers. Eating disorders are very secretive, you may not even be aware of the vast number that flood our population.
please consider the girls and women genuinely looking to improve their health. (and not just the "appearance" of health for 72 hours) and instead pushing hard earned money on products you push that will not decrease their chance of getting diabetes, heart disease, or any other chronic disease related to lifestyle.
Please consider the girls and women who have been raised to believe their worth is based on the appearance of their body. especially in the thinness, firmness, cellulite-free-ness of their bodies. and that many of those women's bodies look like the undesirable "before" photos you're promoting all over their feeds.
please consider the shame you may be instilling in girls, women, and men who are being told from every angle that their bodies are flawed and need to be repaired in order to be happy, loved, and successful. Shame is an extremely dangerous motivator
Please consider the objectification of women that you are selling to your audiences. pictures of women in underwear reinforces the false idea that women's bodies are to be looked at, judged, and fixed at all times.
Many of you know I struggle with anorexia and to me, these wraps and diet products is just a more acceptable way to do what i do to my body- trying to perfect it, make it beautiful, desirable, loved, wanted. so both of us are wrong in my eyes. instead, why cant we do some of the following:
set a true fitness goal - if you held yourself back from running, biking, swimming, etc. because of feeling self-conscious about what to wear, how red your face gets, sweating, or not being the thinnest one at the gym(the list goes on) why not try to set a goal and fight to achieve it! Make the goal about your abilities and not your appearance. Run a certain distance without stopping, swim ten laps faster than ever before. Do a certain number of crunches, push ups, pull-ups, new dance moves-any fitness achievement measured in action and not numbers on the scale, measuring tape, or clothing tag. Research shows that a lot of women do not exercise because they feel "too fat" to get out and move. Lets break through that shame !
forget your number (one i greatly struggle with) if you tend to fixate on your weight, measurements, and clothing sizes, deciding to leave those numbers behind is a key to freedom. make a goal to stop or limit the number of times you step on a scale or measure yourself in any other way. When we focus on these numbers, it can get in the way of our health because we than strive to perfect the numbers by using unhealthy means to achieve them. start evaluating your health based on your activity. For example i have a BMI of less than 16---severely underweight category. but this doesn't make me healthy, a number doesn't prove anything. i am probably more unhealthy than many overweight people and average weight people. i know many higher weight people that can withstand much more physical activity than i can.
stop negative self talk too many girls and women having a constant tape recorder in their head of mean thoughts about themselves. Studies have even shown that girls who don't like their bodies become less active over time and pay less attention to having a healthy diet. If you think you're gross and worthless, why would you take care of yourself? Set a goal to stop saying negative comments about yourself.
Think nice thoughts instead on the opposite side of the last study, research has shown that girls who respect their bodies are more likely to be physically active and eat healthy. they are less likely to gain unnecessary weight and they make healthy lifestyle choices. since what we THINK about our bodies has a strong connection to how we TREAT our bodies, set a goal to shut out negative self talk.
Body wraps may work. But coming from a woman who has struggled with Anorexia and body dysmorphic disorder for over half her life, they also work to promote body anxiety, body hate, and unreal Ideals of what a woman's body should look like.
Instead of us uniting with women as more than bodies to be looked at, fixed and judged, why are so many of us preying on each others' insecurities by selling objectifying, unrealistic ideals to our social media contacts? Ladies, we need to me more kind and compassionate to each other. In this current day and age, unattainable and degrading beauty ideals are engulfing social media from women in multi-level marketing companies selling beauty and diet products to their friends, family, co-workers, and even acquaintances online. The marketing of "skinny wraps" is an especially dangerous trend because these messages penetrate our social networking feeds informing us about our "flaws" by our own peers.
If you are selling body wraps, skin contouring creams, fat burning pills, or anything in these realms so you can "eat what you want!" Or hosting "wrap parties" and persuading people to magically melt away inches, PLEASE consider the influence you may be having.
Please consider the enormous number of girls and women fighting or recovering from all types of debilitating eating disorders, who are VERY likely some of your facebook friends, blog followers, instagram or twitter followers. Eating disorders are very secretive, you may not even be aware of the vast number that flood our population.
please consider the girls and women genuinely looking to improve their health. (and not just the "appearance" of health for 72 hours) and instead pushing hard earned money on products you push that will not decrease their chance of getting diabetes, heart disease, or any other chronic disease related to lifestyle.
Please consider the girls and women who have been raised to believe their worth is based on the appearance of their body. especially in the thinness, firmness, cellulite-free-ness of their bodies. and that many of those women's bodies look like the undesirable "before" photos you're promoting all over their feeds.
please consider the shame you may be instilling in girls, women, and men who are being told from every angle that their bodies are flawed and need to be repaired in order to be happy, loved, and successful. Shame is an extremely dangerous motivator
Please consider the objectification of women that you are selling to your audiences. pictures of women in underwear reinforces the false idea that women's bodies are to be looked at, judged, and fixed at all times.
Many of you know I struggle with anorexia and to me, these wraps and diet products is just a more acceptable way to do what i do to my body- trying to perfect it, make it beautiful, desirable, loved, wanted. so both of us are wrong in my eyes. instead, why cant we do some of the following:
set a true fitness goal - if you held yourself back from running, biking, swimming, etc. because of feeling self-conscious about what to wear, how red your face gets, sweating, or not being the thinnest one at the gym(the list goes on) why not try to set a goal and fight to achieve it! Make the goal about your abilities and not your appearance. Run a certain distance without stopping, swim ten laps faster than ever before. Do a certain number of crunches, push ups, pull-ups, new dance moves-any fitness achievement measured in action and not numbers on the scale, measuring tape, or clothing tag. Research shows that a lot of women do not exercise because they feel "too fat" to get out and move. Lets break through that shame !
forget your number (one i greatly struggle with) if you tend to fixate on your weight, measurements, and clothing sizes, deciding to leave those numbers behind is a key to freedom. make a goal to stop or limit the number of times you step on a scale or measure yourself in any other way. When we focus on these numbers, it can get in the way of our health because we than strive to perfect the numbers by using unhealthy means to achieve them. start evaluating your health based on your activity. For example i have a BMI of less than 16---severely underweight category. but this doesn't make me healthy, a number doesn't prove anything. i am probably more unhealthy than many overweight people and average weight people. i know many higher weight people that can withstand much more physical activity than i can.
stop negative self talk too many girls and women having a constant tape recorder in their head of mean thoughts about themselves. Studies have even shown that girls who don't like their bodies become less active over time and pay less attention to having a healthy diet. If you think you're gross and worthless, why would you take care of yourself? Set a goal to stop saying negative comments about yourself.
Think nice thoughts instead on the opposite side of the last study, research has shown that girls who respect their bodies are more likely to be physically active and eat healthy. they are less likely to gain unnecessary weight and they make healthy lifestyle choices. since what we THINK about our bodies has a strong connection to how we TREAT our bodies, set a goal to shut out negative self talk.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
me without ED...
i recently got a therapy assignment to write about what my life and i would look like without ED. i didn't completely follow the directions, but i think what i had to say can relate with a lot of people.
when i look back on my life, i am not sure i ever really knew who i was, or where i was supposed to go in life. i quickly learned to people please at such an unseasoned age. i told myself i couldn't as so much just jokingly stutter the word "no" to anyone. i seeked self-approval in other's approval of me. depending on which group of friends i was with determined my likes, dislikes, and even my personality and wardrobe. if i felt if even just one person out of 500 did not like me, my world would come tumbling in. i also became a success addict, excelling in everything i did in an attempt to receive approval from my parents. i took classes and did extra curricular activities i didn't enjoy because i thought it would make mommy and daddy happy.
but the one time and place i felt free, happy, and myself was in dance. especially in performances and competitions. not only was i in love, i outshone everyone in my studio. my identity than became bekah the amazing dancer.
i am not sure why or when that wasn't enough. what i do know is that it changed my life forever. i have some theories, one being the competitive nature between my sister and i. i felt extremely threatened when my mom placed my sister in dance. i slid down the slippery slope into madness. i became a new bekah. not internally, but externally. i lost all my "baby fat" and was complimented left and right. i had always been praised for my abilities but never my appearance. this new recognition felt good. it eventually led to separating my sister from i, she was the curvy one, i was the skinny one. it felt good to finally have something that was only mine. i was now known as the thin dancer. and when everyone found out i was anorexic due to my mothers bombastic mouth, i was the anorexic dancer. not only did it identify me, it consumed me. all my problems seemed to escape the more and more consumed i became with calories, weight, body image, and the desire to shrink away more and more.
i do know what greatly effected my descendant into madness was when dance was taken away from me due to the eating disorder. if i wasn't the dancer anymore, all i was was anorexic and obscenely skinny, i couldn't let that last part of who i was be taken away. so that was what i devoted my life too, and how it has been for the last 12 years. it is definitely a love/hate relationship. i always say i cant live with ED but i cant live without ED. rationally i know that ED is holding me back from my potential in life. but i am also terrified to imagine a life without him. i'm scared of failure, scared of going after the wrong thing, scared of disappointment, and scared of feelings, even the good feelings of love and companionship. with ED my days are certain to be the same and even though those days are filled with pain and sorrow, i know what to do expect and i don't have to face my fear of change.
i have many things that i want to do in life, one of which getting married and having a family of my own. logically i know with ED i cant conceive. but my mind likes to tell me otherwise. i also want to go far with singing and music which i am honestly not sure ED would effect. but my other dream to complete nursing school and become a pediatric nurse i definitly cannot do because of my lack of energy and strength. i really cant deny that on a daily basis i physically feel like absolute shit, constantly dizzy, weak, chest pain, nausea, shaky, passing out. but that's my norm, i'm used to it. i am scared to get used to a new norm. what if i don't like life without ED? what if i cant be comfortable at a healthy weight? i think the times that i tried to kill myself where attempts to escape ED. i am scared the only way out is death. i would rather be dead than live with an eating disorder for the rest of my life.
when i look back on my life, i am not sure i ever really knew who i was, or where i was supposed to go in life. i quickly learned to people please at such an unseasoned age. i told myself i couldn't as so much just jokingly stutter the word "no" to anyone. i seeked self-approval in other's approval of me. depending on which group of friends i was with determined my likes, dislikes, and even my personality and wardrobe. if i felt if even just one person out of 500 did not like me, my world would come tumbling in. i also became a success addict, excelling in everything i did in an attempt to receive approval from my parents. i took classes and did extra curricular activities i didn't enjoy because i thought it would make mommy and daddy happy.
but the one time and place i felt free, happy, and myself was in dance. especially in performances and competitions. not only was i in love, i outshone everyone in my studio. my identity than became bekah the amazing dancer.
i am not sure why or when that wasn't enough. what i do know is that it changed my life forever. i have some theories, one being the competitive nature between my sister and i. i felt extremely threatened when my mom placed my sister in dance. i slid down the slippery slope into madness. i became a new bekah. not internally, but externally. i lost all my "baby fat" and was complimented left and right. i had always been praised for my abilities but never my appearance. this new recognition felt good. it eventually led to separating my sister from i, she was the curvy one, i was the skinny one. it felt good to finally have something that was only mine. i was now known as the thin dancer. and when everyone found out i was anorexic due to my mothers bombastic mouth, i was the anorexic dancer. not only did it identify me, it consumed me. all my problems seemed to escape the more and more consumed i became with calories, weight, body image, and the desire to shrink away more and more.
i do know what greatly effected my descendant into madness was when dance was taken away from me due to the eating disorder. if i wasn't the dancer anymore, all i was was anorexic and obscenely skinny, i couldn't let that last part of who i was be taken away. so that was what i devoted my life too, and how it has been for the last 12 years. it is definitely a love/hate relationship. i always say i cant live with ED but i cant live without ED. rationally i know that ED is holding me back from my potential in life. but i am also terrified to imagine a life without him. i'm scared of failure, scared of going after the wrong thing, scared of disappointment, and scared of feelings, even the good feelings of love and companionship. with ED my days are certain to be the same and even though those days are filled with pain and sorrow, i know what to do expect and i don't have to face my fear of change.
i have many things that i want to do in life, one of which getting married and having a family of my own. logically i know with ED i cant conceive. but my mind likes to tell me otherwise. i also want to go far with singing and music which i am honestly not sure ED would effect. but my other dream to complete nursing school and become a pediatric nurse i definitly cannot do because of my lack of energy and strength. i really cant deny that on a daily basis i physically feel like absolute shit, constantly dizzy, weak, chest pain, nausea, shaky, passing out. but that's my norm, i'm used to it. i am scared to get used to a new norm. what if i don't like life without ED? what if i cant be comfortable at a healthy weight? i think the times that i tried to kill myself where attempts to escape ED. i am scared the only way out is death. i would rather be dead than live with an eating disorder for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
underweight vs. overweight
I've found myself in a position recently where , I've slipped officially back into the " severely Underweight" category on the BMI scale. Outside of the small sense of achievement I feel now that I have hit BMI bingo according to ED (although he wants me to keep going down) , this is not okay. I deal with eating disorders, and they are tricky little bastards where sometimes you don't realize you're in it again. This is not good news. I repeat: this is not a humble brag about being ready for bikini season.
I know it's bad, but why? And why don't I know this? I am obsessed with weight stuff. I can give you calorie counts off the top of my head for any food. I can rattle off the reasons why it's bad to be overweight at the drop of a hat - diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, not able to fly Southwest. Even the BMI chart I'm looking at is helpfully color coded: Green=go for normal ranges, yellow=slow for overweight, red=danger, stop! for obese. and you know why i know these reasons??? because thats all the internet gives you. if you type in "health risks of being underweight" not much pops up. and that is sad and pathetic.
i feel there are two extreme comments people get when they are "underweight" or just naturally healthy thin.
one of them is the "girl you need to put meat on them bones!!!!" in America, it is seen as wrong, weird, strange for someone to actually be at a healthy weight or underweight. we get picked on just as much as overweight people, or even more. in america the norm is to overeat, sit on the couch and binge watch netflix, and pop in our bons bons and dorittos as we do so. if i were to say im going to the gym, or a run, some people would give me weird remarks as in "why? i could never do that" well yes you could you just chose not to. but what upsets me the most is how wrong and shaming it is to be underweight, yes i know the reason i am underweight is because of unhealthy means of getting there. but lets take that out of the equation. here is just a list of some comments ive gotten from people who didnt know i had anorexia....
-the famous... put meat on your bones!!!
- you need to go eat a few big macs!
-do you have cancer?
-do you like not eat?
-EWWW i can see your bones
-you look like a 10 year old
-guys like girls with meat, your never going to get a man until you gain weight
-i cant hug you ill squish you
-ETC
why is it socially acceptable to be overweight but not underweight or a healthy skinny? people claim that overweight people get bullied more....a lot of the time i disagree
the 2nd comment thats prevailent is "wow i wish i could be anorexic like you so i could lose weight" my response REALLY!?!? so you want bruises, blackouts, constant dizziness, muscle weakness, heart arrythmias, constant body aches, to be in and out of hospitals, osteoperosis, low blood pressure, hair loss, weak nails, dry skin, pale skin, etcc...sounds like aGREAT TIME to starve yourself to DEATH.We assume being thin is so positive and desired that we spend almost no time or effort on discovering how it's potentially harming us. It's like we don't care if it is or not, and we assume anyone that is thin must be doing just fine.
And I'm not saying that there aren't serious health risks associated with being overweight. Of course there are. But why are we so little focused on the other half of the bell curve? I can't conclusively say that the risks of being underweight are equal to those of being overweight, because no one is looking at those risks with anywhere near the same sort of scope. And before someone starts shouting (obesity epidemic! there are just more fat people in general!)
so yea it goes on two extremes. now i am not saying or ignoring the fact that all models tend to be oveweight and america supposedly promotes that. but in all honestly, from my experience, i am looked like like i am alien due to not being a little chunky or overweight. so maybe people need to rethink that theory.
I don't mean this to be an article about poor, sad, skinny people not getting what they need - the opposite, in fact. Despite my current size, I don't feel like a thin girl; I feel like a fat girl who has passing privilege in the thin world.
this wasnt a very formal, gramatically correct,. or overthought blog post, just something that has been upsetting me lately.
I know it's bad, but why? And why don't I know this? I am obsessed with weight stuff. I can give you calorie counts off the top of my head for any food. I can rattle off the reasons why it's bad to be overweight at the drop of a hat - diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, not able to fly Southwest. Even the BMI chart I'm looking at is helpfully color coded: Green=go for normal ranges, yellow=slow for overweight, red=danger, stop! for obese. and you know why i know these reasons??? because thats all the internet gives you. if you type in "health risks of being underweight" not much pops up. and that is sad and pathetic.
i feel there are two extreme comments people get when they are "underweight" or just naturally healthy thin.
one of them is the "girl you need to put meat on them bones!!!!" in America, it is seen as wrong, weird, strange for someone to actually be at a healthy weight or underweight. we get picked on just as much as overweight people, or even more. in america the norm is to overeat, sit on the couch and binge watch netflix, and pop in our bons bons and dorittos as we do so. if i were to say im going to the gym, or a run, some people would give me weird remarks as in "why? i could never do that" well yes you could you just chose not to. but what upsets me the most is how wrong and shaming it is to be underweight, yes i know the reason i am underweight is because of unhealthy means of getting there. but lets take that out of the equation. here is just a list of some comments ive gotten from people who didnt know i had anorexia....
-the famous... put meat on your bones!!!
- you need to go eat a few big macs!
-do you have cancer?
-do you like not eat?
-EWWW i can see your bones
-you look like a 10 year old
-guys like girls with meat, your never going to get a man until you gain weight
-i cant hug you ill squish you
-ETC
why is it socially acceptable to be overweight but not underweight or a healthy skinny? people claim that overweight people get bullied more....a lot of the time i disagree
the 2nd comment thats prevailent is "wow i wish i could be anorexic like you so i could lose weight" my response REALLY!?!? so you want bruises, blackouts, constant dizziness, muscle weakness, heart arrythmias, constant body aches, to be in and out of hospitals, osteoperosis, low blood pressure, hair loss, weak nails, dry skin, pale skin, etcc...sounds like aGREAT TIME to starve yourself to DEATH.We assume being thin is so positive and desired that we spend almost no time or effort on discovering how it's potentially harming us. It's like we don't care if it is or not, and we assume anyone that is thin must be doing just fine.
And I'm not saying that there aren't serious health risks associated with being overweight. Of course there are. But why are we so little focused on the other half of the bell curve? I can't conclusively say that the risks of being underweight are equal to those of being overweight, because no one is looking at those risks with anywhere near the same sort of scope. And before someone starts shouting (obesity epidemic! there are just more fat people in general!)
so yea it goes on two extremes. now i am not saying or ignoring the fact that all models tend to be oveweight and america supposedly promotes that. but in all honestly, from my experience, i am looked like like i am alien due to not being a little chunky or overweight. so maybe people need to rethink that theory.
I don't mean this to be an article about poor, sad, skinny people not getting what they need - the opposite, in fact. Despite my current size, I don't feel like a thin girl; I feel like a fat girl who has passing privilege in the thin world.
this wasnt a very formal, gramatically correct,. or overthought blog post, just something that has been upsetting me lately.
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