the physical effects of an eating disorder are probably perhaps the worst effects, and man am i feeling them. i think during my rehearsal schedule they where masked through all of the adrenaline. or maybe its because of how horrid my eating habits have been the past week, worse then normal which is quite frightening. my behaviors are completely out of control more so than it has been since i have been home these past few months. my body is feeling them sharp and hard. passing out has become a regular occurrence, in fact has happened twice today. constant chest pain, feeling to weak to even stand up, yet forcing my body to workout to rid myself of the unwanted flesh. i find it hard to even type this blog post because my hands are shaking like an elderly person with Parkinson's disease. my head is pounding, and anytime i stand up in an upright position the room grows dark and i quickly have to sit before my body forces me to lay down involuntarily. how am i supposed to find the energy that needs to be put in my recovery. the energy to fight the unwanted thoughts and negative self-talk? i feel like i do not even have the energy to motion my hand to my mouth to consume anything. does my body even have the energy to digest anything? or will it just sit inside of me and turn straight to fat?
no body ever understands why i have little energy, i literally have no physical or emotional energy, and people judge. they don't care to learn more, they deem us as lazy, or self-centered because we are "too focused on our appearance." the fixation on our appearance is just the tip of the iceberg, maybe we focus on that because we do not want others to see what is really deep down inside of us. or maybe its because WE OURSELVES don't want to face the trauma, abuse, negative talk inside of us. it just becomes easier to focus on the outside than the dark twisty inner self. but this fixation on our bodies is literally killing us, slowly but surely...and i am feeling it.
