whenever my eating disorder is brought up in any kind of discussion, the words "well you know you have control over it" always seems to lurk its way into the conversation. This has to probably be one of the comments that pisses me off the most. It usually comes from people who have never even dealt with an eating disorder. i do agree in the beginning we do have control, but the more and more that we get swept into the eating disorder, the control quickly dwindles away. ed has control, i do not.
i feel like when "I" wake up in the morning, it is not really me. the moment i open my eyelids, ed is screaming in my ear telling me exactly what needs to be done. ed tells me what to wear, where to go, who to talk to, when to sleep, when to eat or not to eat, when to purge, when to exercise, when to abuse laxatives and diet pills. At first, i thought i was the one telling myself to do these things, and quite possibly it was me. but not anymore.
i feel like a monster, or maybe that there is just a monster inside of me.Its the secret side of me that i don't let people see. i try to keep it locked up and caged but i cant control it. its hiding under my bed, in my body, and in my head. i know he tears me up and breaks me down but i cant make it end.
you don't realize how out of control you truly are until you are lying on the ground with your head pounding and body shaking after passing out cold from the malnutrition your body becomes to know quite well. you wonder to yourself, how did i let it get this bad? i remember starting and not even knowing what an eating disorder was, now its destroying me.
People also try and use the guilt-trip on me saying at least i don't have cancer, that they do not have a choice what happens to them. this sounds sick and twisted, but sometimes i wish i where battling cancer and not an eating disorder. with an eating disorder i deal with the mental exhaustion and the physical exhaustion.the tormenting thoughts that lead me to the slow physical deterioration that i don't even realize is happening. and i did not CHOSE to have an eating disorder, i did not wake up one more morning and say "hmm i think i am going to starve myself and become anorexic." it just doesn't work like that. those with eating disorders are actually being controlled by the
disorder, not the other way around.we find themselves
constantly confronted by the fact that we have wrapped our lives
around food and our body image, and we are actually a prisoner to our disorder.
