stuck in the mud

do you ever feel like you just got smacked across the face with a hand called life? Not the things that you DO in life, but the things that you DON'T accomplish? well i hope you haven't. i experience  it quite often, and today was a major slap across the face.

i had the most amazing weekend this weekend, the best i have had in years and years. Part of it was because i had 2 of my great friends over from treatment, and the other part was because i actually was able to experience what freedom and independence REALLY feels like.  i guess you could argue that i do have some form of independence because i live on my own. but it certainly does not feel that way. i do live on my own, but i live between these four walls almost 24/7 and in constant isolation.

i have lost all friends, i cant work, i cant go to school, and i do not have a car all because of how out of control i let my anorexia get. This past weekend, i got a taste of what it is like to be so called "normal," (whatever that means). i was an average 20 year old, i drove a car, left my apartment when i was bored, went shopping when i wanted, went for a drive when i wanted, and was able to pick up food and other things i need for my house when needed. so many of us take these things for granted, including me. i became so comfortable in being isolated in my apartment that it was almost terrifying to sit in the drivers seat and make a decision of what to do and where to go. For so many years, it was always others doing this for me because others deemed me incapable of doing these simple life tasks. But not this weekend, this weekend i was a vibrant, and typical 20 year old girl.

but the only reason i was able to be that girl was because of my friend renting a car when she flew in, now that she is gone, i feel myself slipping back into my depression and isolation at a very rapid pace. i mean it is not ALL because of me not having a car, sure its a HUGE part of it, but also because it made me realize how stuck i am. i feel like my life has been on the pause button since the age of 12, the age i was diagnosed with the stupid eating disorder. i wish i had a remote to my life that i could rewind and start and never have to pause because of a damn eating disorder. but i cant, and now i just feel like my body is sinking deeper and deeper into the quick sand. i am up to my neck, just centimeters away from it covering my mouth.the world continues to spin on its axis and people continue about their daily routines as i sit in my apartment rotting and starving to death. i stare out the windows to the beautiful world wondering if i will ever be able to enjoy, or allow myself to enjoy the wonders of it. you want to know one of my biggest fears? being stuck like this
F O R E V E R.....