who am i?

it is a Friday morning, i am standing barefoot on the cold tiled floor of my bathroom after stepping on and off the scale at least 10 times. it is stormy and miserable out, but this storm doesn't compare to the storm inside of me. i grip the edge of the sink to hold my balance from the dizziness. i then start to lean in to stare closer at the girl looking back at me in the mirror. i do not have the slightest idea of who she is. her eyes are empty and hollow; no speck of hope or life. i no longer recognize myself. i slowly ease my way to the tiled floor, curl my knees up to my chest and sob. "what have i become?"

i get asked all the time "who is Bekah?" i do not know the answer to this question, but really wish that i did. maybe in time i will get to know her, or she will become less hidden under the monster i call my eating disorder. the eating disorder has consumed every part of my life, including my identity. it changed the way that I related to those around me. It dictates my feelings and choices. It influences so many aspects of my life that I do not even know what I do or do not like anymore. The eating disorder is an ever present voice in my head that dictates my every move. but i am sick and tired of it, sick and tired of being sick and tired.......