"your keys weigh more than you do!"

My apartment complex has a free gym to all those who live there. A blessing for most people, yet a curse for me. Not to mention i am the closest building to the clubhouse, so its extra tempting.

this afternoon, i gave into the eating disorder thoughts and walk into the clubhouse to the gym. I stroll up to the desk where i must sign in, and before a hello, or how are you, the lady says to me while chuckling "YOUR KEYS AROUND YOUR NECK WEIGH MORE THAN YOU DO!"

now how do you respond to a comment like this? Well for me, anytime i am nervous i just laugh, so that is what i proceeded to do.  i continue to sign my name and address on the list with shaking hands as i can feel her scanning my body up and down. i quickly place the pen back down and briskly walk into the gym and close the clear glass door behind me.

after i drop off my jacket and keys on the hanger, i then walk to the wall full of mirrors and begin picking apart my body. i kept thinking to myself "what the hell is she talking about? is she blind? look at all of this fat!" Yet at the same time i become angry. angry that all anyone ever notices now a days is someone's body shape.

A million other thoughts start to flood my mind as i push myself on the elliptical, "does she know i have an eating disorder, is that why she made that comment to make me feel better? wait, there's no way she could know i have an eating disorder... or maybe someone has told her? Well i don't talk to anyone at this apartment complex, was she just being nice? was she trying to convince me not to work out so i would grow fatter to make her feel better about herself? a constant battle plays in my mind the entire while at the gym. i stare at my body in the dreaded mirrors as i go up and down on the elliptical, then peddling on the bike, then crunches, then the treadmill, then the leg machine. by the time i step out of the gym it is 2 hours later, and shift has changed. the man at the desk is having a conversation with someone, i pick up the pen and quickly sign the time out and run for the door. i walk into my apartment door, close the door behind me and fall to the ground with tears and exhaustion flooding me. i cant handle these battles in my head anymore, i cant handle the exhaustion and weakness i feel everyday, i cant handle feeling like i cannot stand because i am going to pass out after pushing myself at the gym.